Breitbart News Gets Drunk, And In Self-Pitying Rant Admits It Sucks

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New York, NY—

Last night at about 2am, Breitbart News got drunk at a cocktail party with several other media outlets and had a melancholic heart-to-heart conversation with CNN.

“It was muy embarazoso,” said Univison, who didn’t want to get involved, but watched the entire ordeal from the other side of the living room. “Breitbart always gets like this when drinking, and I don’t mean to be rude, but maybe Breitbart shouldn’t drink if it has so many personal demons.”

Other party guests were annoyed with Breitbart’s behavior as well.

“I don’t know why CNN even bothers to console Breitbart,” said Bloomberg Television. “Breitbart wasn’t invited for a reason—though it still showed up—and it’s because Breitbart does nothing but talk shit about everyone behind their backs. To your face Breitbart will pretend to be so nice and sweet, but the moment you leave Breitbart will be all ‘CNN is fake,’ ‘Fox News is filled with cuckservatives,’ and ‘MSNBC panders to lesbians.’ Literally nobody likes Breitbart.”

CNN, however, tried to express both sides.

“Breitbart is going through a rough patch,” CNN said. “The president that Breitbart bet everything on has proven to be a total loser, and it’s increasingly likely that Trump will end up in prison rather than a second term. Breitbart keeps blaming itself, but last night I was trying to tell Breitbart that it’s in an abusive relationship with Trump. I explained how gaslighting worked, and how Trump was obscuring Breitbart’s ability to determine what was truth and what was malicious lie, but Breitbart still isn’t ready to give up on Trump yet. Then Breitbart threw up on my shoes because Breitbart hasn’t learned to pace itself with alcohol yet. Breitbart only drinks appletinis, but drank at least ten last night.”

Breitbart reportedly denied everything the next morning.

“I didn’t get drunk, what are you talking about?” demanded Breitbart when asked for a comment. “CNN is lying again, fake news. Fake News!”

The other media organization guests weren’t surprised.

“Breitbart will never get its life together until it admits it has a problem,” said MSNBC. “That’s the first step. I think it’s pretty obvious that deep down Breitbart hates what it has become, and this self-consciousness comes out very easily with alcohol. I used to have sympathy, but at some point you have to just start ignoring the toxic people in your life.”

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