Breitbart News Gets Drunk, And In Self-Pitying Rant Admits It Sucks

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New York, NY—

Last night at about 2am, Breitbart News got drunk at a cocktail party with several other media outlets and had a melancholic heart-to-heart conversation with CNN.

“It was muy embarazoso,” said Univison, who didn’t want to get involved, but watched the entire ordeal from the other side of the living room. “Breitbart always gets like this when drinking, and I don’t mean to be rude, but maybe Breitbart shouldn’t drink if it has so many personal demons. ”

Other party guests were annoyed with Breitbart’s behavior as well.

“I don’t know why CNN even bothers to console Breitbart,” said Bloomberg Television. “Breitbart wasn’t invited for a reason—though it still showed up—and it’s because Breitbart does nothing but talk shit about everyone behind their backs. To your face Breitbart will pretend to be so nice and sweet, but the moment you leave Breitbart will be all ‘CNN is fake,’ ‘Fox News is filled with cuckservatives,’ and ‘MSNBC panders to lesbians.’ Literally nobody likes Breitbart.”

CNN, however, tried to express both sides.

“Breitbart is going through a rough patch,” CNN said. “They put their money on Roy Moore in the Senate Alabama election, and that’s kind of backfiring now that he appears to be a giant creep and chronic child molester. And it’s increasingly likely that Trump will end up in prison rather than a second term, so Breitbart’s raison d’etre as Trump’s propaganda arm is being threatened. Breitbart has a lot of emotions going on right now just kind of swirling around, and blames itself for its problems, which makes it lash out when feeling vulnerable. Last night at the party I was trying to tell Breitbart that it’s in an abusive relationship with Trump. I explained how gaslighting worked, and how Trump was obscuring Breitbart’s ability to determine what was truth and what was malicious lie, but Breitbart still isn’t ready to give up on Trump yet. Then Breitbart threw up on my shoes because Breitbart can’t ever pace itself with alcohol. Breitbart only drinks appletinis, but drank at least ten last night.”

Breitbart News denied everything the next morning.

“I didn’t get drunk, what are you talking about?” demanded Breitbart when asked for a comment. “CNN is lying again, fake news. Fake News!”

The other media organization guests weren’t surprised.

“Breitbart will never get its life together until it admits it has a problem,” said MSNBC. “That’s the first step. I think it’s pretty obvious that deep down Breitbart hates what it has become, and this self-consciousness comes out very easily with alcohol. I used to have sympathy, but at some point you have to just start ignoring the toxic people in your life and move on.”

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