Breitbart News Gets Drunk, And In Self-Pitying Rant Admits It Sucks


New York City, NY—

Last night at about 2am, Breitbart News got drunk at a cocktail party with several other media outlets, and had a long, melancholic heart-to-heart conversation with CNN.

“It was muy embarazoso,” said Univison, who didn’t want to get involved, but watched the entire ordeal from the other side of the living room. “Breitbart always gets like this when drinking. I don’t mean to be rude, but maybe Breitbart shouldn’t drink if it has so many personal demons.”

Other party guests were annoyed with Breitbart’s behavior as well.

“I don’t know why CNN even bothers to console Breitbart,” said Bloomberg Television. “Breitbart wasn’t invited for a reason—though it still showed up—and it’s because Breitbart always talks s*** about everyone behind their backs. To your face Breitbart will pretend to be so nice and sweet, but the moment you walk away Breitbart will be all ‘CNN is fake,’ ‘Fox is filled with cuckservatives,’ and ‘MSNBC is a lesbian.’ Literally nobody likes Breitbart.”

CNN, however, tried to express both sides.

Breitbart is going through a rough patch,” CNN said. “They put their money on Roy Moore in the Senate Alabama election, and that’s kind of backfiring now that he’s widely alleged to be a chronic child molester. Breitbart has a lot of emotions going on, and doesn’t want to admit to itself that it’s in an abusive relationship with Trump. I explained how gaslighting worked, and how Trump was obscuring Breitbart’s ability to determine the truth from all his lies, but Breitbart still isn’t ready to break it off with Trump yet. Then Breitbart threw up on my shoes because it can’t ever pace itself with alcohol.”

Breitbart News denied everything the next morning.

“I didn’t get drunk, what are you talking about?” demanded Breitbart when asked for a comment. “CNN is lying again, fake news. Fake news!”

The other media organization guests weren’t surprised.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that deep down Breitbart hates what it has become, and this self-consciousness gets exacerbated with alcohol,” said MSNBC.

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