New York, NY—
Donald Trump Jr., son of President Donald Trump, told The Halfway Post in an interview that it upset him greatly his father would pardon a turkey in the Thanksgiving presidential tradition, but not him.
“It’s just not fair,” explained Donald Jr. on the phone. “That turkey isn’t even rich, it has no money. I don’t know it’s last name, let alone its first name. Everyone knows both my names. I’m too rich to go to prison. I should have been pardoned, if you think about it. What do I have to do? I’ll put on a turkey costume if that’s necessary. I’ll do it. Maybe then Mr. Trump will pardon me. Why won’t he give me a pardon already? I’m his son. Why can’t I ever just call him ‘dad’? Always ‘Mr. Trump’. I hate him. I don’t even want a pardon from him. That turkey can have it. That turkey gets everything. I’m too rich to go to prison!”
The interview abruptly ended when Mr. Trump Jr. burst into a long, low-toned sob that lasted for six minutes until he hung up.
[This has been a composite literary sketch of the interview we imagine would occur if The Halfway Post was a real news organization and Mr. Trump Jr. phoned us.]