According to reports, Donald Trump Jr. is beginning to think he may have, like Icarus, flown too close to the sun in colluding with foreign governments throughout his father’s presidential campaign.
The Halfway Post scored an exclusive phone interview with Mr. Trump Jr., and in it he rather uncharacteristically contemplated his humility and guilt.
“Yeah, you know I just think I got too wrapped up in the whole thing. I went a little overboard and tried to collude with too many countries. We had Russia, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Israel, the UAE, media organizations, Fox News, so many accomplices. Of course we were going to attract attention with so many overtures to illegal contacts and corrupt efforts, and I should have shown greater discretion with my emails and phone calls. I got high off of apparent power, and have fallen like Icarus with melted wings by solar karma. I know I was just taking phone calls and taking down messages to communicate verbally with my father, but the colluding, the money laundering, the various schemes of fraud, the mob associating—it all felt like I was essential for the first time in my life. And it felt like I was James Bond. You know, it led to the best conversations with my father in my entire life where he actually seemed to start to respect me. I mean, like, for real for real, he’s going to throw me under the bus the second Mueller indicts me, and then he’ll stubbornly cling to the delusional lie that he was entirely uninvolved in the whole scandal, but these last two years really felt like we were bonding as father and son! I even called him ‘Dad’ once after he helped me craft my Air Force One lies about the Russian agent meeting in Trump Tower, and he totally forgot to remind me to call him ‘Mr. Trump’ always and only. …You know it’s funny I’m saying all of this, but I’ve been thinking about it since my Senate testimony leaked the other week and the country got to see my cornucopia of obvious lies, contradictions and vagaries, and…I think I’m excited for prison. I’ve spent my entire life in the shadow of my father, and it’s time to leave the nest once and for all. I’m gonna take on a new name, too. Originally I was thinking ‘Emilio Thunder‘ but I’ve decided on an even better name: Lance Biceps. Sounds awesome, right? And I’ve decided that no longer will I be molding my personality off of my dad’s because all along I should have just followed my own passions. It’s time for me to set out and truly be my own man for once. I don’t actually even enjoy or like business at all, I think it’s just all so superficial and full of pandering to people. My real passion ever since I can remember has been dance, and I think I’m really going to try to develop and hone my craft while in prison. I’ll spend my jail cell years like a dancing monk, and when I eventually get parole I’m gonna make the biggest splash the the New York ballet scene has ever seen. Mark my words: in 2034 when I get out with good and rhythmic behavior, New York dance fans will be treated to the most heart-achingly beautiful Black Swan in dance history. I want to transform the name of Trump from being synonymous with sociopathy and corruption and thievery to being synonymous with the world record for most flawless pirouettes in a row. You can count on that. And—Uh oh, gotta go, Eric has another marble stuck up his nose—I don’t know what Eric is going to do without me. Anyway, thanks for the interview!”
(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)