Donald Trump Says That When He Called Michael Cohen His “Fixer,” He Meant “Coffee Boy”

Washington D.C.—

Anticipating his personal lawyer’s cooperation with the Robert Mueller’s FBI investigation into Russian collusion, President Donald Trump has amended past statements he made of Mr. Cohen.

“When I said in the past that Michael Cohen was my best, most personal lawyer and my ‘fixer,’ what I meant was that I barely know the guy,” explained Trump in a brief comment to reporters on his way to a Trump golf course. “If this Michael Cohen was in this room right now, I wouldn’t be able to pick him out. I’ve maybe talked to him one or two times, but only because he was a Trump Organization coffee boy and I probably thanked him a couple times for bringing me my coffee. When I said that I trust him completely and that he’d never betray me because he’s so tightly intertwined in the illicit dealings of my businesses, what I meant was that he would never bring me a cup of coffee without two creamers in it because he’s such a good coffee delivery boy. Definitely better than George Papadopoulos, and that’s why we had to let Georgie go. The fake news is saying Papadopoulos is cooperating against me with the FBI, but I did nothing wrong so I’m not sure what he’s telling the FBI. Maybe talking about my coffee preferences. That’s all I can imagine cause I’m totally innocent. But, yeah, Papadopoulos was a bad coffee boy. Michael Cohen is definitely a better coffee boy. Although Jared Kushner is my favorite coffee boy. And now that Cohen is with the FBI, Jared is my only coffee boy left. Which is why it’s a joke that people think Jared makes illegal deals with Israel, and Saudi Arabia, and the UAE, and Russia. All Jared does every day is get coffee for me and my administration. Trust me.”

(Picture courtesy of IowaPolitics.com.)