The Halfway Post caught up with the Ghost of Richard Nixon, and—despite languishing somewhere in the middle of his Purgatory sentence—he’s having the time of his life.
The following is a transcript of the conversation, lightly edited for clarity:
The Halfway Post: So, what do you think of these endless Trump scandals?
Ghost Richard Nixon: I love them! I bet you never thought you’d see the day when I wasn’t the most corrupt president to ever serve! I kind of wish Trump would be a two-term president because, wow, imagine all the crimes he would commit if given a full eight years. Donald Trump is something spectacular, what with the years of Russian money-laundering, the cyber crimes and Russian collusion on social media, the blatant emoluments clause violations… he’s like the Energizer Bunny of presidential blasphemies. You know I released my tax returns, right? And you know the real kicker? I was under an IRS audit at the time! Would you believe that? It’s totally true! Trump says he can’t release his tax returns because he’s habitually going through audits, but I did! Quite literally, Donald Trump is the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s like a total reputation makeover for Dick Nixon! I’m now only the second most corrupt president in history, although I think Warren Harding gives me a run for my money. He was saved because he died in office rather than having to resign, but, unfortunately for me, my wife didn’t have the good sense to smother me in bed like Warren Harding’s wife did—true story!”
THP: Which Trump crime is your favorite?
GRN: Hmm. That’s a really tough question. Right off the top of my head I’d say the whole putting-his-kids-in-executive-positions-in-the-White-House thing. It’s arguably not a blatant violation of the letter of the law, but it’s certainly unethical, intellectually lazy, mafia-esque, and politically incompetent. It’s pretty obvious they’re only really there to help ensure his administration’s loyalty. Wonder-kid Jared Kushner sure has turned into a dud who has screwed up every foreign-political scheme he’s dipped his toes into. The only thing he’s been successful at is securing bank loans from foreign governments to help pay off his family’s billion-dollar-plus debts from their preposterously awful real estate deals. Meanwhile, I can’t name a single, tangible thing Ivanka has done all this time. Her supposed political goals of getting paid family leave for new parents has gone nowhere, and she didn’t apparently have any effect on convincing her dad not to put immigrant babies in cages. That one is kind of a no-brainer, but then again, so is she. Ha! Not because she’s a woman, of course, but because she’s a Trump. Nothing good comes from third-generation rich kids.
THP: Do you think the emoluments clause violations should get Trump impeached?
GRN: Ha! They should, but I’m not sure if a judge wants to open that can of worms for the country. They’re certainly astounding violations. Did you know Jimmy Carter signed away his peanut farm to a blind trust to avoid having the appearance of even a peanut-related conflict of interest? True story. Donald Trump is basically accepting bribes from foreign governments at his hotels and restaurants. But I say power to him, cause he’s making me look great in comparison! I can’t wait until my Purgatory time is over, cause the first thing I’m doing in Heaven is pouring myself a Tom Collins in a tall glass in honor of Donald Trump’s unprecedented terrible existence. Honestly, I should practically be paying him for the branding work he’s doing for me in replacing me as the most infamous president. Donald Trump tells more lies than I did in my entire presidency in an hour. Sure, I was a little fast and loose with the law, but Donald Trump is an irrational mess of a consciousness and a totally mental space cadet. I opened up China, started the EPA, and did a lot of other big things. Trump is too stupid to accomplish things even with a fully Republican-controlled Congress. Things could literally not be politically easier for Trump. And he’s wasting all his time and political capital doing truly evil shit like the babies-in-cages thing, the Muslim ban, making America the only country on Earth to not sign on to the Paris Climate Accord, and I could go on for a week. I’ll tell you what, though, the guy is the best thing to ever happen to Richard Milhous Nixon, and I’m taking Trump’s inevitably bottom-of-the-barrel legacy to the presidential bank!
Thanks for the interview, Ghost President Nixon.