Trump Is Jealous That Bloomberg Still Gets Loans From US Banks

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is reportedly jealous of his Democratic opponent former-mayor Mike Bloomberg for being an actual, real billionaire.

Mr. Trump infamously has been blacklisted by dozens of American banks due to his long history of bankruptcies and failed companies, and has instead turned to foreign countries such as Russia and Saudi Arabia for financial assistance.

“Trump is real worked up about Bloomberg running against him,” claimed a top White House presidential adviser, who requested anonymity to discuss private conversations held in the Oval Office. “Trump thinks it’s very unfair that American banks will give loans to Mayor Bloomberg but not him. Trump was asking everyone at Mar-a-Lago last weekend if Bloomberg Steaks were good quality, and if anyone knew how Bloomberg vodka was selling in stores, and if Bloomberg Airlines was still around… and it was a little awkward to tell the President that Bloomberg doesn’t sell his name to shitty products that quickly go out of business like Trump has done for decades.”

Another aide explained to The Halfway Post that Bloomberg is frequently on Mr. Trump’s mind.

“Trump has spent all week comparing himself to Bloomberg, and, frankly, Trump has become a little obsessed,” said another White House staffer. “Trump has been asking everyone if they thought Bloomberg had a comb-over, and when we asked why he was asking, he said ‘no reason.’ Then, in the middle of a national security meeting with all the top military generals, he asked out loud if Bloomberg had any daughters. It was obvious he wasn’t paying attention to the briefing on Syrian resistance militia groups. He asked the top marine general to look up online if Bloomberg had daughters, and then Trump demanded to see the phone to see what they looked like. They turned out to be pretty, so Trump demanded that Ivanka come into the room so he could get all the generals’ opinions on whether Ivanka was more ‘bangable’ than the Bloomberg girls. Unfortunately, this is not the first time this kind of thing has happened, so I texted Ivanka an emoji of an ice cream cone and she brought a bowl of two scoops of ice cream the way Trump likes. That calmed him down a bit, and he ate the ice cream as he told Ivanka to do a twirl or two while he asked the generals to guess her bra size. All the generals awkwardly agreed with Trump that Ivanka was better looking than the Bloomberg girls, and they tried to change the subject and get the meeting back on track to the subject of Syria, but Trump kept interrupting with questions about which porn stars they thought Mike Bloomberg might have cheated on his wife with.”

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