Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was elected by the Republican caucus out of left field, and he reportedly agreed to the following deals with GOP representatives for their votes:
- The House Ethics Committee will be shut down because, as one member phrased it, “The Ethics Committee is made up of a bunch of socialist, boy scouts who keep asking too many questions about why so many of the GOP’s super PAC donations are in Russian Rubles and Saudi Riyals.
- The House Committee on National Security will designate the IRS as a “State Sponsor of Terrorism” for terrifying billionaires, and put all IRS agents on the no-fly list.
- Republicans will authorize funding for 1,000 new welfare auditors over the next ten years to police against people using food stamps to buy name-brand foods.
- C-SPAN cameras are not allowed to zoom in on Lauren Boebert while she’s sitting in the House gallery with dates in case she wants to get a little handsy.
- The House will formally recommend new ethics rules for Supreme Court justices that authorize the GOP’s “Big Brother/Big Sister” program where each conservative justice is matched with a “Big” billionaire who buys them real estate and takes them on monthly yacht and private plane vacations.
- Jim Jordan’s district will be redrawn to be even more gerrymandered.
- Congressional Republicans will get their own cafeteria where the chefs ignore all the FDA’s regulations on food sanitation, preparation, storage, and service to prove that cutting all health and safety regulations will make dining better and more American.
- The 2024 budget will include a tax loophole that makes all trips to Mar-a-Lago or any other Trump properties by any member of Congress tax-exempt.
- House members will collectively come up with 365 ideas for reasons to impeach Joe Biden, and then they’ll put them in a hat and every morning pick one and vote on it.
- The House will formally apologize to Donald Trump for his two impeachments.
- The government’s Internet firewalls will start allowing gay pornography to be viewed on GOP Representatives’ computers to “own the libs.”
- There will be an unofficial, annual “Bring-Your-Mistress-To-Work Day” so “family values” representatives can show off for their mistresses.
- Matt Gaetz gets to spit in Mike Jones’s food, coffee, or open mouth at any moment of his choosing.
- The Congressional investigation into Chuck Grassley’s GOP coke orgies will be immediately defunded and shut down, and a reminder memo sent to all Congressional Republicans and their staffs about what the first and second rules to Chuck Grassley’s GOP coke orgies are.
- House voting can now be done with paper ballots and guns, and members can shoot a hole in the “Yea” or “Nay” box to exercise their Second Amendment rights.
- The House will try to force the US to default on its debts because, as Rep. Sally Moerthe explained, “Donald Trump never paid his debts, and his career turned out great for everyone!”
- Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene can get back to conducting suspiciously long tours of the Capitol for members of the Proud Boys, Three Percenters, and Oath Keepers.
- The House will allow messaging votes on legalizing polygamy, legalizing child marriage, and banning women from being able to own property or take out bank loans without written permission from their husbands or fathers.
- Matt Gaetz will be allowed to visit and speak at local D.C. high schools again.
- The House will hold impeachment hearings on Barack Obama, even though he’s not in office anymore, and Hillary Clinton, even though she was never president.
- Lauren Boebert can vape anywhere inside.
- Signs will be placed on all Congressional bathrooms that feature Senator Josh Hawley’s frowning face on it with a caption that says “NO MASTURBATING.”
- The House will vote to ban the Postal Service from issuing stamps featuring Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, and Martin Luther King Jr. because “Racism is over.”
- The House will debate a national ban on the following Disney characters for allegedly grooming children to do drag or be gay: Ursula (drag), Mulan (drag), Lefou (gay), the 7 Dwarfs (gay), and Tinkerbell (lesbian). Lumiére is on probation because it’s unclear whether he’s gay or just European.
- The House will hire “young, Latin pool boys” for the Congressional gym recommended by Jerry Falwell.
- The House will fund a $500,000 grant to Steve Bannon for his “Doomsday Vault of Caucasian Semen.”
- Ronny Jackson will be named the House’s COVID Czar, and the House will adopt his COVID-prevention health guide that suggests drinking 9 alcoholic cocktails every day will keep COVID from infecting you.
- Rudy Giuliani will no longer be allowed to come into the House of Representatives during working hours, sit in a bathroom stall, and try to conduct lobbying deals by promising, “I know a guy who can make both of us a lot of money on this one.” And the suspicious hole he drilled into the stall wall at about waist-level that he claims is “just for talking business” will be fixed at Rudy’s expense.
- Marjorie Taylor Greene will get funding to lead a modern Lewis & Clark style expedition into the Pacific Northwest to find and bring back a Sasquatch.
- Matt Gaetz can go back to showing other members sexts saved on his phone on the House floor.
- The day before Juneteenth will also be made into a federal holiday called “Thank You, White People, For Freeing The Slaves Day.”
- A new ethics rule about sexually harassing female Congressional staffers will be relaxed from zero tolerance to a “5-strikes-and-you’re-out” policy.
- The House will reimburse all expenditures for ammunition that House members use in their campaign videos where they shoot various objects that have the words “socialism,” “communism,” “science,” “Bidenomics,” “Nancy Pelosi,” or “vaccines” written on them.
- The House will spend $1 billion on testicle tanning machines for the military due to the repeated recommendations of Tucker Carlson that they increase testosterone, masculinity, and “alpha male energy.”
- The House will begin allowing free public tours of Congress on January 6th of every year.
Good luck keeping all these promises, Speaker Mike Johnson!
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