Donald Trump announced this morning he will not be allowing his son-in-law to work in his next administration if reelected. Trump also launched a lawsuit against Jared Kushner to get some of the $2 billion in Saudi wealth fund investments Mr. Kushner received after leaving the White House in 2021.
“That Saudi money is absolutely mine, and Jared knows it, quite frankly,” said Mr. Trump in a press conference at his Mar-a-Lago beach resort. “He only got the money in the first place because he was going to be the middleman, and hold onto the money for a little bit so no one would notice when a few months later later he sent it to me. But it’s been two and a half years, and he never sent it. It’s so bad what he’s doing. And he thinks there’s nothing I can do because it’s laundered money, but I’m suing him in a civil suit. And no one knows more about lawsuits than me. I’m always in them being sued by women, my contractors, a bunch of states, the District of Columbia, the federal government, and did I mention a whole bunch of women? But Jared can’t beat me. In fact, I’ve got Rudy Giuliani snooping around in Jared and Ivanka’s trash bins right now as we speak. He’s gonna find all of Jared’s secrets. And if he finds any discarded bras of Ivanka’s, he better turn them into me. You hear that, Rudy? I get the bras. That little rat, stealing my Saudi money, stealing my daughter. You know, not many people know this, but I gave his dad a pardon. His dad did some maybe not so great things. Some very dirty things. People think I do dirty things, but you’d never believe the dirty things Jared’s dad did. He tried to get a prostitute to seduce his brother-in-law. But I pardoned his father, and this is how Jared repays me? I’m thinking I ought to hire a prostitute to seduce Jared. Then Ivanka will be more available. Daddy likey. Can you believe that Miles Taylor, my former chiefs of staff, and so many other horrible people are saying I said gross, sexual things about Ivanka? What fake news losers. No one believes that. No one would ever believe I said something vulgar and suggestive about Ivanka in a million years. People say I used to be attracted to her when she was a teenager, but that’s not true at all. It was all the other teenaged girls in my beauty pageants that I was attracted to. Some of them may have looked like Ivanka, I mean, I obviously like blondes, but liking blondes doesn’t make me some kind of sexually deviant freak. It just makes me a totally innocent fan of the Aryan ideal. You know, the Christians, they really believe I’m totally pure. They think I’m bigger than Jesus. And the Jews, they love me for moving the embassy. And the neo-Nazis. The neo-Nazis think I’m their god. I’ve always thought it was funny that zionists and Nazis both love me. How many people can say that? That the Nazis love them? Big brain. Got the Trump brain. Superior genes. My doctors couldn’t believe how superior my genes were even when I was a baby. They said my DNA is off the charts. And all I’m saying is that Ivanka also has these superior genes. So is she good looking? Of course. She’s like me if I were a girl. But would I ever date her? No! Even though I probably could if I really wanted to. I’ve been taking her furniture shopping most of her life, you know? She kind of owes me. So these Never Trump liars, who are total loser nobodies, and who are writing books full of the worst lies you ever heard — I mean, I’ve never even heard of this leaker Miles Taylor guy. I don’t remember interviewing or hiring him at all. He made absolutely no impression on me whatsoever, I have no idea at all who he is. I probably only hired him out of pity. And I never saw him in the White House. I was always saying, ‘Where is this Miles guy? Miles, where are you?’ But it was a pity hire. He got down in my office on his knees, with tears in his eyes, and he said, ‘Sir, I’m begging you. I need a job! I’ll do anything!’ But now he writes a book full of lies about me. I fired him. He was the worst. He had gone totally Woke like they say. It’s a disgrace, really. The lowest of the low. But I can manage. I’m a fighter. I’m a winner. And remember that I am fighting for you. A lot of people don’t know this, but I’m not on trial for me. I’m on trial for you. All of you. Like Jesus holding up the Earth on his shoulders for all of eternity. And getting his organs pecked out every day by eagles punishing him. Jesus does so much for us, doesn’t he? I just love Jesus. One of the great Jesus lovers of all time. More than Lincoln. So remember when I’m going to be in court for most of this winter and the upcoming spring, and pretty much all of 2024, know that I’m not defending myself against lawsuits for sexual assaults, fraud, insurrection, and espionage… I’m defending YOU against lawsuits for sexual assaults, fraud, insurrection, and espionage. And they’re really coming after you, by coming after me. I’m just standing in their way to protect you. So that’s why I’m kind of going to need you all to help me help you by physically forming a very thick, protective wall of bodies in front of me at all times, and around the buildings I’m in, and all form an impenetrable ring around me, and bring your guns so no FBI agents from the Department of Justice can arrest me or put me in prison, even if I’m found guilty in all the upcoming court cases. And I’m gonna need all the Second Amendment people to bring their guns to New York, Georgia, Florida, and D.C. because they’re all going to be sending some arresting officers after these trials. I need some more of those stop-the-steal rallies you all are so good at. Let’s do a January 6th every day until the election because America needs us to stop the steal. America needs you. We need to stop the steal of Trump! They want to steal Trump and lock him up. So, Roger Stone, if you’re listening, I need you to get the Proud Boy involved again. And we need to regroup them because all the main guys last time are now in prison for treason, or public masturbation. So any incels out there, we need you. Come be patriots, and help me tear up the Constitution and be president for life. You know, the incels don’t get credit for how smart they are. They’re some of the smartest people, maybe ever. They love everything I do, so you can tell they’re really intelligent. I don’t know why me and the incels get along so well, but it’s tremendous. They remind me of me when I was their age. And for everyone else, I’m going to need you to help me fight the Deep State by really upping your cash donations. And make your donation a recurring donation. Make it monthly. These lawyer fees are bleeding me dry. Did you know I have eighty lawyers working literally round-the-clock? I can’t hire enough lawyers. I really need some lawyers for the alleged negligence of handling national secrets stuff, but I can’t find any professional lawyers willing to defend me against special counsel Jack Smith. And he hasn’t even indicted me yet for who I sent those classified nuclear secrets to. Boy, am I going to need lawyers for those eventual charges. So I need money. Send me lots of donations. Every day. Right now. Pull out your phones and send me cash. We need it ASAP. You’re gonna have to be creative. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I didn’t want to say it, but it might be time to tell Grandma and Grandpa they had nice, beautiful, lovely, long lives, but maybe it’s time for you to shove a pillow over their faces and then donate the inheritances you’re gonna get to help me Make America Great Again again. Your donations can bring back the greatest president this country has ever had, better than all the others combined. The generals say to me all the time, they come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, ‘Sir, you could have won World War II much faster than FDR did.’ I would have gone to Adolph Hitler and Churchill and Stalin, and made a deal that ended the war in one day. Just like that, the war would have been over. People wouldn’t have been able to believe it. In fact, it’s the same deal I’ll do on my first day with Putin and Zelenksy. I can’t say what it is, but trust me, you’re going to love it. Big brain! Way bigger than Sleepy Joe’s brain. His brain is dead. A lot of people are saying his decomposing brain has totally turned to mush, and it leaks out his ears, and his staffers have to suction it out of his ear canals before interviews or it distractingly glistens when stage lights are turned on. And people are saying that during those interviews, his staffers have to glue velcro strips to the back of his shirt and his chair so his limp body can stay upright. His head kind of dangles a bit and everything. It’s a disgrace. And the fake news media never reports it. They only report totally fake hoaxes, like the Russia hoax. It’s always Russia, Russia, Russia, and pee tape, pee tape, pee tape. There was no pee tape okay? I don’t do pee tapes. I’m way too smart to ever get caught in a sex sting. The Russians tried, but they gave up. They came up to me and said, ‘Sir, you are too smart. We couldn’t film you in a pee tape partying after your beauty pageant held in Moscow. You are just too Christian and monogamously pure, and your brain is too big for us!’ And Ivanka has that brain too. So I’m not even attracted to Ivanka’s tremendous physique. The fake news is totally wrong about that. I’m attracted to her big Trump brain! But, of course, also her other big things.”
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