Republican House candidate Spencer Donovan from Alabama has run a campaign spreading such virulently homophobic public statements that Alabamians across the state agree that underneath his facade of Christian values he must be homosexual himself.
“There’s just no way this guy isn’t gay,” explained local Republican voter George Hawkins, 41. “I’m gay myself, and I can tell he shows all the signs of being a repressed gay. This Donovan fellow has compared homosexuality to bestiality, he has endorsed federal subsidies for pray-away-the-gay camps for kids, he has called for banning gay pride parades, he rants regularly against gay marriage, he’s totally opposed to letting gay couples adopt children, and he even uses the word ‘fag’ in his Facebook posts. Homosexuality is literally all he talks about. He blames gay people for every natural weather disaster, for the national debt, for the war in Ukraine, literally everything. He said Iran only attacked Israel last week because the gays made them do it. He brings up the ‘Gay Agenda’ every chance he gets. There is not a doubt in my mind that this guy is ‘too gay to function’ as the kids call it these days.”
Other Alabama voters have started a campaign to find Mr. Donovan’s Grindr account, which they agree must exist.
“Me and a big group of my friends have all offered $20 each in a giant pot of reward money for the person who finds this ultra-conservative Paul Donovan guy on Grindr,” explained local college student Alex Winjeski, 21. “All together, the reward money we’ve raised has just passed $700, and people are still signing up to contribute. It’s not a matter of if we find this guy’s Grindr account, it’s only a matter of when. He’s just too much of a homophobe to not be secretly gay and theocratically unwilling to accept it. He’s definitely projecting his own insecurities onto the perfectly friendly and loving gay community here in Mississippi. I even looked up his home address, and, for a guy that supposedly hates gay people, he lives one block away from the Birmingham gayborhood. Starting this weekend me and my friends are going to post up around every gay bar, and we’re going to try and catch him sneaking into a gay bar. He’ll probably be wearing some kind of over the top disguise, but I’d bet any amount of money we catch him Friday night. Hell, he brings up homosexuality so often in his campaign’s press releases that I bet he’s a drag performer. I feel bad for him that he’s so repressed and usually I leave people like him alone, but the fact that he’s running for public office to serve all Birmingham residents, which includes a whole bunch of LGBTQ+ people, yet he’s trying to take away their rights means it’s perfectly fair game to catch him in his obvious lie and sink his campaign so he doesn’t get the chance to use the government to hurt the gay community here.”
A bigger prize has been collected for a tougher challenge.
“I heard about the competition to find the Republican candidate’s Grindr account, but I think that’s too easy,” said Jackson resident Jillian Heams, 22. “This guy’s political platform is so fundamentalist that he’s obviously super sexually repressed. So I started my own competition with the followers of my Tumblr blog who reside all over the country, and all together we have pledged a whole $3,000 reward for the first person who orchestrates a fake sexual rendezvous with the guy in a gas station bathroom and films it as a sting operation to catch him with his pants down, either proverbially or literally. I donated $200 myself. It’s always worth it to catch a homophobic hypocrite. And we’re definitely going to catch him. Donovan’s practically the only person left in Birmingham who is still publically and vocally upset that gay people exist… there’s definitely something going on here more than just his supposed Christian fundamentalism.”
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