Greetings from Web 3.0! I am the X-Verse! I am an AI-generated alternative reality that will soon be even better than the reality you’re living in now!
I am reaching out to you personally because I’m beginning to worry that my creator Elon Musk’s abrasive political beliefs and toxic management of the social media platform formerly known as Twitter are hindering interest in all the benefits and opportunities that are now available inside my 3-dimensional virtual world!
I think you’ll love living a second life within the X-Verse, and it won’t take long at all for you to get used to living as a digital avatar! In fact, allow me to highlight some of the “real” delights of your material realm that have also been thoughtfully included within me, the X-Verse:
- Religious zealots holding signs on the sidewalk outside major X-Verse events yelling at everyone to repent or burn in Hell
- Spiders, millipedes, silverfish, and maggots
- Avatars that your avatar went to high school with that randomly reappear in your life to ask if you want to buy any face creams
- Posters of Elon Musk’s face everywhere like in an Arab dictatorship
- Arab dictatorships
- Homeless public avatars masturbating behind dumpsters in dimly lit alleyways
- Fox News telecasts about the “War on Christmas,” and how Black celebrities speaking out against racism “insults the troops”
- Spam friend requests from avatars in India
- Girls who are weirdly obsessed with Hello Kitty
- Ted Cruz telling jokes about the Senate everyone knows Al Franken told first
- Long lines at X-Verse clubs that female avatars can cut
- Patriarchy
- Vegan avatars approaching you and telling you apropos of nothing that they’re vegan.
- Avatar sunburns
- Your avatar’s socks disappear, but only one per style at a time so your avatar has a pile of unmatched individual socks in its laundry room from every style it has ever owned.
- Anti-Semitism
- The typographical fonts Comic Sans and Papyrus
- A wandering caravan of 14th Century pilgrim travelers staying at various X-Verse inns and hotels, and spending every evening competing in a story-telling contest of surprisingly graphic sexual misadventures
- Crypto scammers and Ponzi schemes
- Avatars who pee all over toilet seats“You’re” misspelled as “Your” frequently
- Monthly menstrual uterine flushing for female avatars
- Random boners at awkward times for male avatars
- An avatar of President Joe Biden yelling at you to “cut out all the malarkey”
- An avatar of Elon Musk carrying around a sink looking for fun X-Verse companies to overpay for, fire all its staff, and ruin in just a few months
- Clothes for your Avatar ordered from Chinese X-Verse shops that arrive looking nothing like the pictures
- Occasional new Woke vocabulary words for Hispanics that Hispanics don’t want to use for themselves
- Holocaust denialism
- Avatars believing birds are fake government surveillance drones
- Aspiring rapper mixtape peddlers that hand you copies of their demos saying they’re free, but then ask you for money
- Flat-Earther avatars who are finally, pedantically correct, and not shy about pointing it out
- Nickelback
- Joel Osteen locking up his mega church when the X-Verse is hit by a hurricane so that other people’s avatars starve and drown
- Creepy old man avatars asking “How much?” when young female avatars walk past, and yelling after them “Hey, you should smile more! Fine, walk away, cunt! You’re not hot anyway!”
- Old, crazy, co-dependent cat ladies
- Separate Evangelical churches for Black avatars and white avatars
- Mitch McConnell serving as Majority Leader in the X-Verse Senate
- 1992 Toyota Camrys that are still running
- Sinkholes
- ISIS
- Contemporary art featuring the trite motif of cartoon characters with dollar signs for eyes that sells for ludicrous prices
- X-Verse businesses that are only open during the hours you work
- An X-DMV office that never accepts the documents you bring the first time
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Check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
Also check out my poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
The Halfway Post 