Come Cherrypick Your Beliefs At The Christian Cafeteria!

Welcome to the Christian Cafeteria, where we assure you we have the widest ideological selection of Judeo-Christian beliefs in town!

We have all the staples served a la carte for you to pick and choose from, and build your very own personal Christian theology! We operate on an all-you-can-believe basis, so you can keep coming back up until you’re full of your favorite Christian themes

Whether your approach to faith is fundamentalist, orthodox, moderate, progressive, or even just a little spiritual, you’ll find all the thoughtfully curated Commandments, Bible passages, abominations, virtues, and role models that fit the preconceived dogma you’ve no doubt already settled on before coming in!

Our promise to you is we will never judge your selections. Though you may choose to harshly judge any number of sexual, gender, racial, ethnic, or religious identities, and feel uncomfortable around any number of varying lifestyles, our employees are specifically trained not to laugh, get offended, or ever point out how hypocritical or logically paradoxical your selections might be. Our cafeteria is a safe space for fundamentalist zealots!

So come on in, and try for yourself the Christian Cafeteria! It’s fast, easy, and wholesome fun for the whole family. Don’t worry, children under 18 must be accompanied at all times by a parent or guardian, and this is strictly enforced so mom and dad can consent to all their religious choices. We promise your rebellious teenagers can’t be secretly satanic, heathen, agnostic, atheist, or anything other than what you force them to be here!

And, for patriarchal customers, we offer a wife-chaperoning policy, too, so you can ensure she is not being disobedient by making selections you don’t approve of. Chaperones will contact you before checkout to approve or deny your wife’s choices.

And for gay customers we have an underground bathhouse in the unlabeled door around the west corner of the building where you can get selections of all the non-homosexuality-related abominations listed in the Bible that the Evangelical straights do regularly. Complimentary poppers are hourly passed out, and at 5pm shrimp cocktails are available for hors d’oeuvres in honor of Leviticus!

We’re also pleased to announce a recent renovation we’ve just finished to make your experience even better! We now have TWO totally separate buffet sides, with the Old Testament on the left and the New Testament on the right. We understand tastes change and evolve (lol jk), and we’ve listened to valuable customer feedback about how some morals from Jesus, such as “do not judge,” “welcome refugees like they’re your family members,” and “turn the other cheek” have become quite polarized in our contemporary political climate. So we’ve revamped our Old Testament selection to feature an ever expanding number of increasingly popular retro trends in traditional black and white Yahweh classics, such as “an eye for an eye” and various ethno-nationalist claims about who the “chosen people.”

We’ve also just opened a special room that offers selections on all the gods mentioned in the Bible besides Yahweh. We have it all: Baal, Astarte, Ashram, Chemosh, Dagon, Tammuz, and, of course, Moloch! The Christian Cafeteria lets you be as strict or loose in your monotheism as you’d like! If you worship the separate-but-equal-and-also-the-same Trinity of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, or you’re confused about why God doesn’t just snap Satan out of existence, or you cherish a plethora of Catholic or Orthodox saints, we have you covered!

We’re also now pre-packaging takeout theology combo options for the Christian on the go. Our carefully selected and curated combos are perfect if you don’t have the time to come in and consider the thousands of Bible passages, themes, allegories, and claimed records of factual history we have available.

All you have to do is give us a personalized list of whatever you’re in the mood for, whether it’s the top five personality traits you find admirable, or the lifestyles you consider most damnable, or your top guilty sins you want to rationalize and excuse yourself for. Then one of our expert curators will find all the best, most appropriate Bible passages to make your particular blend of superstitious paranoia and social intolerance feel perfectly rational and holy!

No two combo options of immutable, eternal Biblical truths will ever be the same, so 100% satisfaction is guaranteed!

Come experience the Christian Cafeteria today! 🥃

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