With hantavirus worries surging, RFK Jr. just released a guide on the White House website full of the best, up-to-date medical advice on how to keep yourself and your loved ones safe:
- Don’t wash your hands! Hantavirus germs spread much more easily when your hands have been recently washed because your clean skin acts like a Slip ’N Slide on which the germs can slide right off your fingers into vulnerable entry points of your body like your eyes, nose, and mouth.
- Sneeze into your palms so you can keep any hantavirus germs locked away in your closed fists until you can throw them away the next time you pass a trash can.
- Cough in people’s faces to help clean each other. The wind force power generated by your lungs will blow off any germs lurking on your friends’ and family members’ faces they don’t even know are hiding there. Your lungs clean the air in your body, so any air coughed out on others’ faces is likely much cleaner than the air all around us.
- Stand very close to strangers in public places. When a bunch of human bodies are clumped together, you have better odds that the hantavirus will choose to infect someone other than you. Think like the Serengeti: the zebra in the middle of the herd never gets eaten by the lion!
- Another valuable lesson from the Serengeti is that raw meat eaten right from an animal corpse is much healthier than the meat we get in stores after who knows how many potentially hantavirus-infected butchers, processors, warehouse workers, delivery drivers, and stockboys touched it! So don’t go to grocery stores for your protein — instead, cruise around your town and look for roadkill you can take home, do some quick fun experiments on, and then throw ’em on the grill for a certified hantavirus-free raccoon or possum steak!
- Stop drinking water. When your body is hydrated you urinate more, and, when you’re urinating, your body is exposed for hantavirus to sneak in through your urethra.
- Drink your urine. Your pee is actually sterile, and you just can’t trust hantavirus to stay out of our water supply — even water bottles! The more times you recycle your urine back into your body, the cleaner it gets, so you can stay protected from hantavirus for months if you’re just careful to preserve every drop of your pee!
- Poop in the street. You never know when the hantavirus is lurking for you on a toilet seat so it can infect you when you least suspect it by sneaking right into your anus! The hantavirus can also prowl through old, antiquated city pipes to the toilets in your home, so keep your toilet lid closed and seal it with tape to prevent the hantavirus from slinking into your home until the CDC’s Make America Healthy Again Committee gives the all-clear! If everyone poops outside, the hantavirus waiting to ambush us in our toilet bowls can’t catch us with our pants down — metaphorically and literally!
- Pray every night and morning. God will never let good Christian patriots in America suffer through another “plandemic” as long as more Christians pray to God than the number of liberals who pray to Satan.
- If you want to be really pious, help keep your community safe by licking door handles, subway and bus handrails, and all other often-touched public surfaces. God will protect you and kill any hantavirus germs you get in your mouth or stomach, and this will help clean public places so even the atheist Democrats are better protected against hantavirus. They don’t deserve it, but if all the Democrats die in a pandemic, President Trump won’t have anyone to blame when his policies maybe don’t grow the economy or bring down inflation as much as he said they would.
- Exercise in blue jeans. I’ve never seen any specific medical studies on the wondrous healing qualities of denim, but I’ve definitely noticed a correlation in my life between workouts in my Levi’s and a strong immune system!
- Act like the hantavirus isn’t happening at all. President Trump’s approval ratings depend on a healthy stock market, so it’s imperative that stocks don’t start to decline if the hantavirus turns into another giant plague scare like COVID. No matter how bad things get, always do your duty to Trump and act like everything is fine, because the positive perception of the stock market’s health is the most important thing to MAHA!
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
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