Ste. Genevieve, MO —
Freshly outraged by the latest news from the Trump Administration, Missouri native Tim Weber took a break from pouring cups of coffee at the local Starbucks to rant against the Trump presidency to his fellow employees.
“It’s just, like, unending. A constant F’ing deluge of national embarrassment,” Weber said in between puffs from his cigarette. “I thought it was bad enough when Trump, a goddamn presidential candidate at the time, bragged about regularly getting away with sexually assaulting women. Surely that was going to disqualify him. But no, a majority of white women voters actually chose Trump. What the F?”
Pausing briefly to compose himself, Weber continued. “So he gets elected, and I think to myself, ’Okay, Tim, give him a chance.’ And right out of the F’ing gates, he introduces the obviously unConstitutional Muslim ban. Christ. And, meanwhile, he’s got the F’ing Russia thing, the F’ing emoluments clause thing, and the F’ing deportation thing. Wake up, people!”
Weber, whose break ended four minutes ago, lit up a fresh cigarette. “And then it comes out that Trump threatened the director of the FBI, and I think that will be it. Surely the F’ing Republicans can’t keep putting party over country with this, right? But of course they goddamn can. McConnell says some BS thing like how we need to all come together and support the president, Ryan talks about how Trump’s latest scandals are the ‘textbook example’ of racism or whatever, and McCain says how deeply disturbed he is—but god forbid they do something about it.”
With trembling hands, Weber began counting on his fingers. “Put Steve F’ing Bannon on the National Security Council, check. Purged the State Department, check. Called every news agency ‘fake news,’ check. Invented a fake massacre to support his Muslim ban, check. Allowed guests at Mar-A-Lago to take pictures with the Nuclear Football, mother F’ing check! That actually happened! Divulged classified information to Russia in the Oval Office, check. Threatened a trade war with Canada of all places, check. Every single time, I think this’ll be the story that breaks the elephant’s back and Republicans will finally come to their senses, but nope!”
Weber then flicked his cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. He re-entered the Starbucks and returned to his station, preparing to make a low-fat venti macchiato. To no one in particular, he stated “But this shit with the Morning Joe people, threatening them with a National Enquirer story? That’s a blatant violation of the anti-extortion statute. Republicans will have to wake up and smell the shit they’ve stepped in now, right?”
Weber paused, his wry smile faltering. “Right?”