In a horrific mistake, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was blown up with several tons of TNT while lounging on a NJ beach this evening after being mistaken for a dead, beached whale.
The news is a continuation of bad press for the embattled, unpopular governor. Over the weekend Christie was strongly criticized for shutting down New Jersey beaches as a consequence of failing to come to a budget agreement with the NJ legislature, and then for literally going to a closed beach himself with his family despite the shutdown.
Falling asleep on the empty beach past sunset, a pair of local park rangers mistook the governor for a whale corpse in the dark.
“It had gotten really dark, and the park rangers assumed incorrectly, but without violent motive, that the sleeping Governor was a dead whale,” said Mark Fincher, a NJ lawyer representing the two park rangers. “Of course, the Governor had controversially shut down the beach, so my clients did not anticipate that the mass they found would be human. They had also reported that the body had a smell similar to the other rotting whales they had encountered in the past.”
The park rangers then followed proper beached whale protocol, gathering the appropriate amount of TNT, setting it down next to the Governor, walking to a safe distance, and then detonating.
The blown body disintegrated immediately into small pieces, bits of which were found as far as a mile from the blast sight.
The succeeding governor of New Jersey requested that all state flags be flown at half-mast in memory of Governor Christie, even though he was wildly unpopular and generally acknowledged to be an asshole.
A memorial service will be held tomorrow at noon in the NJ governor’s mansion.
(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)