Mike Pence Desperately Searching For Obscure Bible Quotes To Justify Nuking North Koreans

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Washington D.C.—

According to an anonymous source in the White House, Vice President Mike Pence spent all week reading the Bible in an attempt to find obscure Bible quotes that could somehow be twisted into a justification for the Trump Administration’s possible decision to nuke North Korea.

“Pence is really concerned that a nuclear confrontation with North Korea, or even just a traditional war, would murder hundreds of thousands of Koreans on the peninsula, and he is very concerned that the Bible seems to be totally against such a destructive choice,” said the anonymous staffer. “Pence began his search for relevant Bible verses in the Old Testament, of course, because that God is way more of a dick than the New Testament God, but, still, there is no Biblical precedent for so much death to be caused by humans suddenly out of the blue.”

Mr. Pence has very publicly committed his life according to his interpretation of the Bible, and it remains to be seen if he will break with President Trump’s apparent apathetic views on life, turning the other cheek toward enemies, and forgiveness.

“I think Mr. Pence has finally settled on the idea that Mr. Trump really isn’t very Christian at all, but this is a big moral dilemma for the Vice President,” said the staffer. “Pence is very aware that President Trump’s foreign policy is the antithesis of Christian principles, but he wants to remain a loyal vice president. However, Pence has struggled enough in reconciling the GOP’s anti-human and pro-1% domestic policies on social programs and economics, but nuking who knows how many innocent North Koreans may be a bridge too far for Pence to cross.”

There is of course a plethora of examples of God murdering people in the Bible—some estimates reach as high as 25 million people—but it is hubris, of course, to use that as justification.

“Pence is very concerned that by playing along with such senseless death, God will think Pence is trying to mimic Him and attempting to become a god,” said the staffer. “The Ten Commandments are very clear that competing with God in any way, shape, or form is a big no-no, and Pence’s number one decision-making thought is what God will say when he reaches the Pearly Gates.”

Bad luck in trying to find Biblical justification for stupid foreign policy, Mr. Pence!

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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