Bob Mueller Releases Voicemail Trump Left Him Begging Him “Dude, Just Be Cool”

Washington D.C.—

The latest groundbreaking revelation of the Trump-Russia special investigation headed by former-FBI Director Bob Muller is a leak that came from the FBI itself.

Mr. Mueller released to The Halfway Post an audio recording the FBI took of a voicemail message that President Donald Trump left on the phone in Muller’s office.

In it, Mr. Trump enthusiastically commits the impeachable crime of obstruction of justice. The following is a transcript of the audio:

“Bob—listen to me.” Mr. Trump begins. “Listen to me. Just hear me out, okay? Just hear me out. Two minutes, that’s all I ask. Look. You know me. I would never in a million years collude with Russia, okay? And trust me, there’s no way Putin did anything to help get me elected. I got elected because the American people knew what a liar Crooked Hillary was. Did you know she was a senator when 9/11 happened? Not many people know that. You know, Putin helped her. Uranium One, big league I’m telling ya. I’m talking so big you can’t believe it. She’s really, I’ll say—and you know people are talking, they’re saying things you wouldn’t believe about Hillary Clinton. Believe me, Bob. So let’s just cool it with the Russia stuff, okay? Cause I’m innocent. I’m more innocent than you could believe—and for the life I’ve had. And I could have done a lot of crimes you know? Like mafia type stuff, you know what I’m talking? I had contacts, beautiful contacts, and I signed some deals, but some others fell through, and—wait that part was off the record. No deals. I’ve never had deals with mafia types. That was off the record. So, just edit out those couple sentences before you show the jury this recording of me promising that I’m innocent and that there’s no reason for a trial at all. And besides, trust me, I have good lawyers. Oh, I have lawyers like you wouldn’t believe. But yeah, Papadopoulos, just a coffee boy. Kushner, just a coffee boy, barely know him. Carter Page, never heard of him. Um, Jeff Sessions? Whatever he did, he did before the campaign. Manafort? All before the campaign. Roger Stone? Haven’t talked to him in twenty years. All these allegations in the fake news have nothing to do with me, nothing. [Laughs.] Trust me. I don’t collude. I don’t. People are telling me all the time, all the time, they say ‘Hey, Mr. President, why are you letting all this Russia stuff keep going on and on?’ That’s what people are saying. I mean, it’s been going on for almost two years now. People are talking, Bob. So, listen to the people, Bob. Listen to the people. Please. Please Bob. Dude, just be cool. Bob. Bob. Be cool. Please? We’re making America great again. You don’t want to stop that, do you? So you’re gonna be cool, right? Right? So you’re gonna chill it, right? Thanks, Bob. Thank you. America thanks you. I knew you’d come around. But just call me back and let me know how many people in the Russia stuff you’re gonna drop the investigations with, okay? It’s very important that it’s everyone, you know what I mean? Thanks, Bob. Oh, and by the way, how are you coming along with that loyalty pledge? Were you gonna send that in? I noticed the other day that I’ve been president for almost a year now and you still haven’t signed it and sent it back. We’re kind of waiting. Okay, anyway, thanks for being cool, Bob. Don’t forget to leave me that message. I won’t be in tomorrow, I’ll be golfing—you know a lot of people didn’t know that this job would take up so much time during the day. Well, bye Bob. Alright, everyone, I think he bought it—“

Then the phone clicked.

(Picture courtesy of Matt Johnson.)