Houston, TX—
At a Houston rally in which President Donald Trump attempted to convince Texan voters that their senator, Ted Cruz, wasn’t the Zodiac Killer despite common belief, Mr. Trump asked Texans to give him a senator from his own party so that he could continue to cut his own taxes.
“Look, everybody, I thought being President was going to make me much richer, but unfortunately I can’t make a law that says every American can only stay at my hotels because apparently Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell don’t love America as much as I do. It’s the patriotic thing for Americans to give their money to their President’s businesses.”
The crowd briefly chanted “Red wave! Red wave!”
“Anyway, that’s why at least I need Ted Cruz in the Senate,” Trump continued. “He’s not a liar anymore. Don’t worry about my past derogatory remarks about Ted Cruz. Just let your goldfish memories wipe that away. I didn’t want to be bad, but I thought he was going to be bad. So, you know in politics, you gotta fight bad with bad, and so I went a little bad, and said the thing about his dad killing Kennedy—wasn’t that great? Well, you know, he was bad, and I was bad. That’s how it works in politics, believe me. I gotta be bad because they’re so bad! Trust me they’re a hundred times worse. And the thing about Ted Cruz’s wife, forget that too. That may have gone a little too far. Heidi? Heidi, wherever you are, if you’re listening, you’re not ugly. You’re at least a six. Five and below, that’s where you don’t want to be. But you’re a comfortable six. You could have been a seven or an eight, but you married Ted Cruz, so that got you down a little, but I’m just kidding! Seriously, I need Ted Cruz. So even though Ted’s a creepy little freak like some kind of bat [Editor’s note: Maybe “fat”? The audio is difficult to discern.] vampire man, I need his vote. Ya feel me?”
The crowd briefly chanted “Make America great again! Make America great again!”
“Cause these Democrats,” Trump continued. “Oh boy, I need a red wave. If the Democrats win they’re gonna get in there and really lift every floorboard in my presidency. We don’t want that. Trust me. We don’t want that. And I am sooo close to a Trump Tower deal with Saudi Arabia, and Democrats are going to pretend that that’s a blatant abuse of power and violation of ethics. So what? It’s gonna make me a billion dollars in sudden Russian and Saudi purchases of my properties for several times more than they’re worth. Billions and billions. Don’t let Nancy Pelosi come in here and stop such a good, beautiful thing. She’s like, such a mom. Democrats are no fun. They’re all about long-term sustainability of society and the environment. Who cares? When I spent all day in Trump Tower making deals, the world never had a problem. Now suddenly when it becomes my job to actually pay attention to things that happen to other people, like people who aren’t rich—like you people—it’s like the world now suddenly has a million problems. Like, where were all these problems with poverty and healthcare, and pollution, and inequality before 2015 when I started running for president? Is it all Obama’s fault? To tell you the truth, I don’t even know. I just make shit up about Obama and you people are so brainwashed you just eat it all up. Rupert Murdoch is a genius. He really paved the wave for my nationalist agenda. All I got do is tell you people you’re winning and you’re totally in my pocket. I don’t know if it’s true, but you love it!”
The crowd broke out into chants of “Lock her up! Lock her up!”
“I just say whatever, it’s great!” Trump continued. “The economy has never been better! That’s another great line. But it is true, trust me. I’m saving sooo much money this year. America is doing great. I’m doing amazing. My liquidity has never been better. Going from leasing to straight up just selling to Russian oligarchs is the greatest business model I ever stumbled upon. And the DC Trump Hotel was a great idea. The Middle Eastern Gulf States have been so nice to me. Such nice people, you’d love them! The chopped up journalist thing was a little bad, but remember everybody’s bad. And besides, you think that’s bad? Do you have any idea what Putin does to his journalists? Such a strong, strong man. Great man. He’s always complimenting me. Actually, every time I say ‘people are talking’ and ‘people are saying’, I’m referring to Putin. He tells me all the Russians are just so in awe of what a great president I am. So when I say ‘people are talking,’ trust me that 150 million Russians are doing a lot of talking. Isn’t it nice when Russia and America get along? Let’s all get along. Even Ted Cruz. So vote for Lyin’ Ted—or, crap! Beautiful Ted, or whatever that staffer wrote for me to say about him. Vote for Ted, everybody, because a vote for Ted is a vote for Trump.”
The crowd cheered and clapped.
“I really need Ted,” Trump continued. “I really need Republicans to keep those party-pooper Democrats from accusing all my business deals of being emolument clause violations, and all my tweets of being obstruction of justice evidence, and all my tax cuts of being self-destructive deficits leading to another depression. So Ted needs me, and I need Ted. I’m really doing a lot for him here. But I wanted to see all you great little Texan goldfish brains. I love you. You’re the best base of any base. You’d start a civil war for me, and I believe it! And I’m remembering. I hope you know I keep that on my mind! So you’ll owe me a favor for all this winning someday, you know? Just like Ted here someday will owe me a favor. Don’t you think?”
The crowd started chanting “Lock her up! Lock her up!”
“Ted oughta give me the ol’ president’s intern favor, don’t you think?”
The crowd started chanting “Fuck protections for pre-existing conditions! Fuck protections for pre-existing conditions!”
Mr. Cruz then vigorously rose from his chair on the side of the stage and walked forcefully stage-left to the podium and kneeled before Trump, and literally blew the President.
The crowd started chanting “Grab ‘em by the pussy! Grab ‘em by the pussy!” and our Halfway Post reporter was asked to leave escorted by security because the television feed briefly featured his astonished face in a sweeping shot of the chanting crowd, and the Trump people didn’t want to let any viewers see any individuals in the crowd giving the impression that the mindless crowd slipping into fascist psychosis wasn’t normal.
(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)
The Halfway Post 