Sweaty Alex Jones Claims Marco Rubio Tried To Turn Him Into A Gay Frog

42700416460_efc9d0a4a4_z

Dallas, TX—

Radio conspiracist and banned social media reject Alex Jones took to the streets today with a piece of construction paper rolled up like a megaphone to make several outlandish claims about his recent Congressional confrontation with Senator Marco Rubio of Florida:

“There’s a government conspiracy to shadow ban conservatives, and Marco Rubio is a cuck who is in on the holocaust of conservative patriots like me! He’s a lizard wizard! I saw him shapeshifting in the halls of Congress before I ambushed him and had a verbal brain aneurysm on camera while he was answering reporters’ questions. Then Obama appeared out of nowhere and pulled out his anti-colonial Kenyan Martian wand on me and started shooting communist spells at me that he learned at Muslim Hogwarts and he summoned Hillary Clinton’s army of gay frogs to get me, but I used my karate to ward off the frogs and parry Barack Hussein Obama’s eyeball laser beams and I got out my jetpack and flew to safety to regroup for the coming airborne invasion of Nancy Pelosi’s army of orcs from Mordor and—hey! Why is Twitter banning me?!”

Leave a Reply