Banned Alex Jones Vows He’ll Create His Own Apple, Facebook & YouTube, And That They’ll Be “Way Better”

Alex Jones base

Dallas, TX—

Serial conspiracist Alex Jones recently made headline news by being banned from several social media platforms, including Apple, Facebook and YouTube.

Mr. Jones, however, has demanded apologies from the tech titans, and promised that if his brand and content is not reinstated on their platforms by sundown tomorrow he will launch his own social platforms and call them “Nazi Apple,” “Nazi Facebook,” and “NaziYouTube,” respectively.

“My nazi social media sites will be the best ever,” explained Jones in a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post. “I’m like the Steve Jobs of social media, but if, like, Steve Jobs lived every second of his life paranoid and gravely afraid of lizard wizards and mole people living in the sewers and controlling Hillary Rodham Clinton’s brain with the assistance of gay frogs who poop fascist-homo rainbow turds that get ground into dust and sprayed on liberal cities via chemtrails. You know? I’m a total visionary. Like Jesus. And the content on my nazi social media sites is gonna be so much better, too, because I’m only gonna allow white supremacists to join. Barack Hussein Obama can’t join and be all cool and popular and, like, get the most shares with his posts like he does in regular social media sites. So, yeah, if any nazis out there want to join a REAL social media site, join my nazi pages. It’s gonna blow your mind! Cause I’m not gonna let Zuckerberg push me around! No one pushes Alex Jones around! No one! No one! Noooooo one! NOOOOOOO OOOOONNNNEEE! No one! No! NO! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOO! NOOOOO! NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! NOOOO! NO one! No ONNNNEEEE. AaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO ONE! AHHHHHHHHHHH No one. No one. No. one. No. No. No. No one. NOOOOOO OOOOONNNNNNNEEEE! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. AAAAAHHHHH. Gotta calm down. Gotta calm down. Sorry, everyone, sorry. I try to keep it cool, but, you know, it’s a war out there. A queer frog almost got me earlier. I swear. I stepped out my front door this morning and there in the bushes was a gay frog just staring at me. I could hear Hillary Clinton’s demonic cackling in its little gay frog walkie-talkie. Killary almost got me. The gay frog blew a poison dart at me right at my neck but I caught it in mid-air. And then I used my black belt karate skills to defeat the gay frog. But Obama was there with his lizard wizard staff and he put a binding spell on my legs and I couldn’t move. Thankfully I have my front yard booby-trapped, so I reached into my pocket and pushed a button on my phone and detonated some claymore mines where Obama was standing, but I didn’t get him. Obama got on his anti-colonialist Kenyan staff and flew away to wherever Nancy Pelosi’s underwater lair is deep in the Mariana Trench in the Atlantic Ocean. Nancy Pelosi’s command center is a mile deep where only her reptile skin can withstand the pressure. She’s untouchable there, and she only has one weakness I’ve identified so far on my reconnaissance missions: she can’t stay out underneath our solar system’s sun for very long, and it weakens her, so she only comes out at night to vote in Congress when the sun is down. I have to lure her out of the Mariana Trench somehow, and capture her with iron shackles. Iron is the only metal she can’t turn to dust with her laser vision. Oh, well look at the time. I gotta go, I got a big important child custody court appearance I gotta make. Can you believe my ex-wife is alleging that I, Alex Jones, am nuts?”

 

(Picture courtesy of Sean P. Anderson.)

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