Cambridge, MA—
President Donald Trump regularly mentions his uncle who worked at MIT, and describes his uncle’s intelligence as an indication of his own brain power.
The Halfway Post reached out to Uncle John G. Trump to get his thoughts on his nephew, and the following is a transcript of our conversation:
THP: “What do you think about your nephew Donald Trump?”
JT: “He’s an even dumber President than I thought he’d be. I’ve known him his whole life, and, unfortunately, all those paint chips he used to eat as a kid have clearly had a negative effect on his brain development. His parents were always catching him licking the walls, and eating the flakes he could pick off. Every time I’d come over to visit, they’d be yelling at him constantly about it. And, don’t forget, in those days the paint was loaded up with lead.”
THP: “You’re clearly a smart guy with a distinguished career, and Trump always points to you as a reason for why he’s smarter than the advisers and experts around him.”
JT: “Donnie is such a moron. I’m not his father, so it’s not like he inherited all my genes. Me and his dad were quite a bit different, you know? I spent my life studying medical applications of high voltage machinery to clean up city wastewater and doing cancer research, whereas Fred became a slumlord. So maybe my brains were a fluke in the Trump family. And, of course, Donnie’s mother had a whole different set of genes that she passed on to him. And who knows what eating all those paint chips did to his brain.”
THP: “Do you feel Donald Trump has sullied your family’s name?”
JT: “Absolutely. Absolutely. He’s not even a good business man. My brother left him $400 million. Donnie is always saying how his dad gave him a small loan of $1 million, as if that was a small loan everyone gets from their parents anyway, but it’s a total lie. And he lost it all because he’s an idiot. I mean it! I cannot stress this enough for your readers that my nephew Donnie’s neurons are probably jam-packed with lead blocking all the axons from efficiently transmitting electrical signals. I saw his childhood bedroom when he was growing up. It had all these teeth marks on the walls and wood moldings that looked like the gnawings of a rat. But it wasn’t no rats. It was Donald J. Trump!”
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