Washington D.C.—
BREAKING:
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has just approved $5 million in earmark spending to replace Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s failing organs with machinery to prolong her lifespan and career on the Court, perhaps until the sun explodes and extinguishes our solar system.
“Mitch McConnell was a total ***** and stole a Supreme Court seat from us, so with this cyborg initiative we will ensure our Democratic-leaning justices will never die,” said Pelosi in a statement this morning. “From now on, the House will see to it that Democratic justices will outlive the rest of humanity. For Ruth, we’re starting with her gall bladder. She’s been having some gall bladder problems, so we switched it with a titanium, mechanical one. This new gall bladder will never give Ruth a problem ever again. And Mitch still owes Democrats a Supreme Court judge, so the next time there’s a situation where there’s a Republican president and a Democratic Senate, the GOP ain’t gettin’ ****!”
[This story is still developing.]
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