- New York City officials are reportedly worried the impending seizure of Trump Tower will kick off a week-long party inundating the city with public drunkenness and celebrations for Trump’s long-awaited financial karmic reckoning.
- Donald Trump is reportedly asking guests at Mar-a-Lago, “What did I ever do that makes banks think I’m a credit risk?”
- Liquor stores across New York City are reporting record sales this week as NY residents are stocking up on alcohol to celebrate Donald Trump’s coming loss of Trump Tower, which may happen as soon as next week.
- BREAKING: Donald Trump has reportedly locked several of his lawyers in a room at Mar-a-Lago to keep them from quitting after finding out he has no cash to pay his $464 million bond.
- Donald Trump says New York is making him “suffer worse than Jesus, and lose way more money!”
- Republicans are threatening that if Democrats send Donald Trump to prison they’ll nominate Eric Trump instead.
- The conservative Freedom Network’s upcoming reality TV show “Christian Housewives” has paused production because two of its main stars have reportedly begun a lesbian romance.
- Guests at Mar-a-Lago say Donald Trump has been giving off “Jim Jones vibes” for the last week.
- Donald Trump says his sudden interest in getting national security briefings again is just because of his love for foreign policy, not because he intends to sell any classified info to Russians or Saudis for cash to pay off his NY bond to appeal his $464 fine.
- Guests at Mar-a-Lago say Donald Trump has been giving off “Jim Jones vibes” for the last week.
- Donald Trump has reportedly been oddly obsessed with the drama over Kate Middleton’s disappearance, and has been talking to Mar-a-Lago members about little else for the last week.
- Six GOP House candidates so far this election have accidentally shot themselves while filming campaign videos featuring them shooting their guns at things.
- A Secret Service agent has reportedly testified that Donald Trump did try to choke him on January 6th, but Trump’s fingers were so covered in fried chicken grease that he wasn’t able to get a good grip or cause pain.
- There is reportedly a huge rift in the Trump family following Jared Kushner’s refusal to help his father-in-law pay the bond to his massive $464 million fine, and Ivanka is not answering her father’s calls.
- Attendance at the GOP’s coke orgies has reportedly plummeted because top Republican officials are worried Donald Trump will have co-chair Lara Trump install secret cameras for blackmail purposes.
- After Donald Trump watched a video of 30+ of his former cabinet members and national security officials criticizing him and refusing to endorse him, he claimed his first administration was “rigged against him.”
- Donald Trump’s former White House janitors, chefs, and plumbers say they will not be voting him.
- Donald Trump just announced that Kim Jong Un will be staying at Mar-a-Lago next weekend in the honeymoon suite next to his suite.
- Donald Trump claims his controversial “election bloodbath” remarks were about Liz Cheney’s periods, and not about starting a civil war.
- A televangelist who regularly describes himself as “pro-life” and “pro-family” says he’d rather see 1,000 babies starve than see one mother expose her breast in public to breastfeed.
- Donald Trump’s money problems have reportedly forced him to switch from Diet Coke to a cheaper off-brand soda.
- Donald Trump says he will direct the IRS to investigate all the banks that turned him down for a loan to pay off his $464 million bond if he gets reelected.
- Donald Trump is so desperate for cash that he’s reportedly thinking about selling his Russian pee tape to TMZ.
- Hillary Clinton says she will pay any price to buy Donald Trump’s penthouse suite at the top of Trump Tower when he’s forced to sell it at auction, and she’ll convert it into a nightclub called “The Lock Him Up Lounge.”
- Donald Trump is so desperate to find a new lawyer that he’s reportedly even willing to hire an ugly, brunette-haired lawyer.
- Roger Stone is reportedly hosting one last GOP coke orgy at Trump Tower this weekend, and he’s claiming it will be “so depraved and fluidly debauched that the state of New York will not be able to lease out any of its rental spaces for months.”
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