- Joe Biden just trolled Donald Trump at the end of his press conference this afternoon by awarding himself a golf trophy three times as big as the trophy Donald Trump awarded himself.
- Eric Trump has chained himself to Trump Tower and appears to erroneously believe the state of New York is going to tear it down.
- The Biden Administration just announced it will be awarding Donald Trump the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his “spectacular accomplishments in the sport of golf.”
- Donald Trump says it’s “crossing a red line” if Letitia James forces him to sell his private jet so he has to fly around with regular people.
- After directing his loyal super PACs to prop up RFK Jr. to take votes away from Biden, Donald Trump is now claiming RFK Jr. is “rigging the election” against him after finding out Kennedy is actually taking more votes away from him than Biden.
- Donald Trump says it’s “none of anyone’s business” what foreign governments he’s talking to in order to find funding to pay his $464 million bond.
- A lottery event held at Mar-a-Lago that raised $10 million this weekend just announced its winner: Donald Trump.
- Donald Trump reportedly made every participant in his golf tournament for which he’s giving himself a first place trophy sign a nondisclosure agreement before teeing off.
- Donald Trump is now displaying his new trophy from his own golf course tournament next to his “Highest IQ” trophy he gave himself at a mental games tournament he hosted at Mar-a-Lago last year.
- Donald Trump is now trying to delay his April 15th trial start date because it’s tax day, saying, “No one takes taxes more seriously than me.”
- Donald Trump wants potential billionaire lenders to know that he only screws over and refuses to pay back poor and working class people, not fellow billionaires.
- Donald Trump has reportedly been asking lots of questions about Cape Verde and P. Diddy tonight at Mar-a-Lago.
- Letitia James says the state of New York will be confiscating all of Donald Trump’s golfing trophies and pawning them to pay off his $464 million fine.
- With Republicans blaming the Baltimore bridge collapse on everything from the open border to DEI, Josh Hawley worries masturbation is the true culprit.
- Donald Trump’s website is now reportedly selling replicas of his various self-awarded golf trophies to his supporters for $4,500 each.
- A new poll found that 63% of Americans believe Trump will eventually sell his golf courses to the Saudis and LIV Golf for whatever money he needs to continue pretending to be rich long enough to become president again.
- Donald Trump’s private penthouse at Mar-a-Lago is right next to the “honeymoon suite,” and guests say Trump tries to talk to them through the walls if they’re audibly having sex.
- Donald Trump is now selling “replica pieces of the cross Jesus was crucified on” emblazoned with his arrest mug shot for $99 each.
- Lara Trump says she has a “Trump brain” so she doesn’t need to use Excel spreadsheets for managing the RNC’s funds.
- Ronna McDaniel has reportedly been hired by Kim Jong Un to lead North Korea’s Election Integrity Commission.
- In Donald Trump’s foreword to his new special edition Bible he’s selling, he describes his favorite Jesus story as the time Jesus hid in the wooden horse to defeat the city of Troy.
- A tornado reportedly just tore through the factory that has been printing Donald Trump’s new $60 Bibles.
- A televangelist from Florida says, “Jesus is rolling in His grave over the fact that Donald Trump is no longer a billionaire.”
- Eric Trump reportedly just asked his father, “Daddy, am I a nepo baby?”
- James Comer says he can’t recall ever trying to impeach Joe Biden.
- Donald Trump’s website is now selling plots of land on his golf courses so his elderly supporters can be buried on a Trump property.
- Donald Trump is teaming up with Joel Osteen to start a company called “Trump Indulgences” that gives 90% of profits to Trump’s legal defense, and promises God will forgive 10 of your sins for each $45 indulgence you buy.
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