After a mysterious absence this year, former Trump adviser and former Mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani has returned into the public eye with wild claims he was abducted by aliens and held in captivity for the last six months.
Mr. Giuliani described his alleged abduction in an interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News.
“I’ve been abducted a few times before, but this time was different!” exclaimed Giuliani. “All the other times, the aliens only took me for an hour or so for the usual medical experiments of scanning my body, measuring how smooth the folds in my brains have gotten, testing the alcohol content in my blood, doing a quick anal-probe — you know, the regular kind of alien abduction stuff I’m sure you’ve heard about.”
Sean Hannity choked on a bottle of water he happened to be sipping from when Giuliani mentioned the anal probe, and started coughing before Giuliani continued.
“That’s all alien procedure 101,” Giuliani continued. “And the probes. I lost count of the number of probes they’ve jammed up in my colon over the years after it passed twenty. But they’ve really come a long way. At first, the probes were real bulky, and uncomfortable because they had all kinds of analogue bells and whistles sticking out and getting stuck in the bends of my large intestine, but now they’ve gotten the probes so small and light I can barely feel when one’s in me! And the bedside manner has improved drastically. The aliens have learned I appreciate a few copies of Playboy and Maxim to peruse while I wait patiently for them to finish with their little exams, and they try to keep their magazine collection current and fresh. And sometimes they take a deposit, so to speak.”
Hannity didn’t know what to say, so Rudy kept going.
“Honestly, the aliens have streamlined the whole abduction experience to where it’s barely an inconvenience. It’s not that different than your regular checkups with the dentist or doctor. Me and the Martians — or wherever they’re from — have a good routine down. When I get beamed up on one of their ships I strip right down, put my clothes in one of the cubbies they provide, lie down on the table, angle my legs up into the stirrup harnesses, and start flipping through the pages of the magazines for some giant jugs. They give me a couple smutty alien magazines too, from other planets. I can’t read the articles of course, but let’s just say humans aren’t the only reproductively attractive species in the cosmos. Then they extract, clean off, download, and replace their little booty hole monitor.”
Hannity stared wide-eyed, then glanced to his producer off-camera, and gestured for help, but Giuliani got right back into the story.
“But, anyway, on election night, we can say the experience was quite different. Oh, and I wasn’t drunk, so don’t think it’s another one of those months-long Rudy benders you’ve probably heard about in the tabloids. The night they got me I was doing some press events, so I was keeping the booze rated-PG. I only had six double tall boy Scotches that night. With my professional booze tolerance, that’s the equivalent of a teenager sneaking a baby sip of communion wine! But the stage lights in the studio were getting hot, and I could feel some beads of sweat threatening to streak down the sides of my face leaving long black lines, so I went to the bathroom to cool down and wipe off. Then I took the opportunity to start rubbing one out real quick, and that’s when the aliens got me, and beamed me up onto their ship with my pants and underwear still around my ankles!”
“I think it might be time for a commercial break,” Hannity interjected.
“No, no — I’m just getting to the good part!” Rudy yelled. “Because this time, Mike Lindell, the MyPillow CEO, was there too! I wish Mike could come here and corroborate my story, but the aliens still have him! They were doing lots of scanning of his brain, so I think they must view him as some kind of intellectual oddity or marvel. But don’t worry, Mike is a very willing captive. And he seemed to have really adapted to the anal probings like I did. He said he was actually enjoying the long-term abduction because it meant he didn’t have to be on Earth and deal with all the pesky reporters and Minnesota voters hounding him for the evidence the 2020 election was rigged he’s been claiming he has for the last 5 years.”
Hannity rubbed his face with his hands as Giuliani again kept talking over his attempts to interject.
“Well, like I said, this time the aliens threw a curveball, and they kept me and Mike for the equivalent of five Earth months after they warp-jumped to their home planet and put me and Mike in what appeared to be some kind of galactic zoo. We must have been looked at by a thousand different species of aliens of all shapes and sizes who came over to our enclosure. I gotta hand it to whoever the alien administrators are for that zoo because they really did a good job making our exhibit just like our natural environments. On my side of the enclosure was a fully stocked bar with 20-year-plus aged Scotches, and a replica of a federal courthouse. It was kind of apparent what the aliens were hoping to see from me — ”
Rudy laughed at himself.
“I know it sounds fantastical, but, even though I was essentially imprisoned, I decided to make the best of the situation, have some fun, drink a couple bottles of Scotch each day, and give the aliens a theatrical performance of what it was like to lose several dozen election lawsuits back in November of 2020. Too bad the Oscars committee wasn’t there to see it — I reenacted my calls to the Four Seasons landscaping company, I farted real loud every chance I got. I said some gratuitously sexual things to some of the finer looking aliens gawking at me from the audience. I put my hand in my pants for hours at a time. I pantomimed trying to get my little guy excited for Borat’s daughter. It was just like my real-life trials and adventures that got my law licenses from several states revoked, and a few public indecency charges!”
Hannity was staring again.
“Now, for Mike Lindell, on his side of our little Homo sapien exhibit, they had a table they kept perpetually stocked with crack rocks, and a replica of a Fox News studio. At first we couldn’t figure out what the aliens were hoping to see from him, but — while I was busy touching myself and improvising from memory all the legal accusations I levied with no evidence against every individual Black poll worker in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania — Mike tried to resist the temptation of the mountain of crack. I was kind of going hard with the Scotch right away, and I’m a little ashamed to admit I may have peer pressured him into getting f***ed up with me to give the aliens a show, but, as soon as Mike got going, he grabbed the prop Fox News microphone and started ranting about Chinese bamboo fibers, Democrats allying with the Mole People to hide stolen Trump votes deep underground, Democrats colluding with MerPeople to hide Hunter Biden’s other laptops in their underwater castles, and his alleged discovery of blood from babies sacrificed in satanic rituals to Moloch on thousands of Biden ballots that had ‘Nancy Pelosi Inc.’ written on them in letters that could be illuminated with infrared lights that the mainstream media won’t investigate. Mike really knew how to get an audience of aliens watch us all day!”
“That’s it!” exclaimed Hannity, “Commercial break, now!”
When Hannity’s show returned, Rudy Giuliani was not there, and Hannity apologized to his audience for not breathalyzing Rudy before the interview.
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