Trump Is Pissed JD Vance Is Such A Global Loser

Help me make fun of the fascists all day long. Become a paid subscriber to support me for just $2.50 a month.

---

• Donald Trump is reportedly pissed Viktor Orbán lost because he liked the idea of potentially, if he gets impeached and convicted, fleeing to Budapest more than Moscow (“too cold”), Tel Aviv (“too Jewish”), Riyadh (“too Muslim”), or Buenos Aires (“too Mexican”).
• Trump is reportedly floating the idea of using the military to abduct the Pope like he abducted Nicolás Maduro, and then hold the Pope hostage to force God to agree to let him get into Heaven.
• TMZ’s new editorial pivot to spying on Congress and outing all the hypocrites and sex offenders is the highest-rated corporate rebrand in the history of business polling.
• JD Vance’s 2028 poll numbers reportedly dropped 50% this week following his politically toxic visit to Hungary, his failed effort to sign a deal with Iran, and his weasely flip-flopping by supporting the war in public and leaking to the media that he privately disagrees.
• The Pope reportedly told his aides that God told him Donald Trump will spend 10,000 years in purgatory wandering a wasteland filled with wind turbines, Mexicans, and no diaper changes.
• Top Republicans in Congress are disappointed Democrats successfully pressured Eric Swalwell to resign immediately because now, once again, Republicans are the only ones ignoring and shrugging off their sexual predator party colleagues.
• A group of “radical gay” hedge fund managers reportedly wants to invest $20 million into TMZ’s new D.C. bureau to spy on every Republican who has voted against LGBTQ rights to “once and for all find and out every self-hating coward sabotaging freedom for everyone else.”
• SUGGESTION: To all the Republican voters finally realizing MAGA was a scam and Trump is a lying con man (and rapist pedophile) who duped them, maybe spend a few days considering the GOP might also be duping you on trickle down economics?
• This isn’t comedy, but I just can’t fathom how Mike Johnson was plucked from obscurity to the 3rd most powerful office in the world, yet happily exerts virtually no influence upon events with bare minimum, placeholding legislation — a politically self-cucked bystander to history.
• White House staffers are reportedly “freaking out” about the g0rowing, increasingly bipartisan effort in Congress to have Donald Trump (and all presidents after him) publicly take a mental fitness test.
• The viral “Dictator Smasher” cocktail everyone is drinking in Budapest to celebrate Orban’s defeat is made with 1.5 ounces sweet vermouth, 1.5 ounces Ukrainian vodka, and a dash of orange bitters to honor Hungarians telling Putin, Trump, and Vance to go f*ck themselves.
• Trump is reportedly beginning to worry for the first time in his presidency that history will remember him as a failure president.
• Iranian officials are reportedly close to refusing any more negotiations with Trump until after Congress forces him to take a mental fitness test and releases the results publicly.
• Top Republican officials are worrying Donald Trump, JD Vance, the Iran War, and all the needlessly cruel incompetence from the Trump Administration will result in midterm results that make Hungary’s election look like it was close.
• TMZ has announced they won’t be investigating Lindsey Graham for hypocritical sexual conduct because everyone knows why.
• Become a paid subscriber and support my comedy for just $2.50 a month. 🥃

---

☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated.

If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.

I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.

Our social media platforms are getting scrambled by oligarchs so if you like my writing, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Threads, Twitter, Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.