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- Trump is reportedly pissed because neither Zelenksy nor Putin want him to be involved in the upcoming peace talks, and now he’ll never get the peace deal photo-op or a Trump Tower Moscow.
- Trump is reportedly furious after historians officially added the Iran War to the list of wars America has lost.
- A major movie studio is reportedly holding nationwide auditions to find a fat baby to play Trump in a comedy film depicting the first year of his chaotic second term in which every other character is played by an adult, but Trump will be depicted as a whiny 1-year-old in brown-stained diapers.
- Medical officials in Vermont have added Trump’s name to a clinic specializing in treating STDs so the building and all its signs and billboards read, “The Donald J. Trump Center For Syphilis and Chlamydia.”
- Jared Kushner, Steve Witkoff, and Donald Trump are reportedly pissed the Russian military is increasingly likely to oust Vladimir Putin in a coup because it’ll ruin all the secret, lucrative deals they’ve made with him to help Russia develop future oil and gas projects.
- The hospital Mitch McConnell is staying at has reportedly brought in two “therapy turtles” to cheer him up during his recovery.
- Trump claims that if it weren’t for the Iran War, the incredibly unpopular memorandum of understanding, the swampy Reflecting Pool, the ruined Ellipse, and the stalled ballroom, this month would have been “scandal free.”
- The National Association of Pedophiles are raising money to help defend Todd Blanche from losing his law license over the Epstein Files, J6 slush fund, and political retaliation, with the head of NAP calling Blanche “the George Washington of pedophile legal defense.”
- Iranian officials say if Trump breaks the terms of the memorandum of understanding by bombing them again, they will add “release all the Epstein Files unredacted” to their list of non-negotiables for the next deal.
- Biologists say the Reflecting Pool is at risk of becoming a breeding ground for the brain-eating amoeba Naegleria fowleri.
- Trump staffers are reportedly worried that if Trump presents the FIFA World Cup trophy 70,000 spectators from all over the world will boo him and start chants about the Epstein Files.
- A Trump staffer accidentally described Trump’s stench on a hot mic: “The Diet Coke makes his breath terrible, the makeup on his purple hands smells weird, his manboob sweat soaks into all his suits, his swollen cankles reek of death, and he uses way too much hairspray.”
- Trump is reportedly looking into offering $4,547 “Baptism Package” reservations at Mar-a-Lago to be baptised in the pool on Sundays.
- A top Republican House member says that if the GOP Congress investigated every accusation of a Trump family member committing fraud, thievery, bribery, or extortion they’d have no time left to cut taxes for the rich or repeal women’s rights.
- Pete Hegseth is reportedly worried the memos he sent about killing civilians in Venezuela, the Caribbean, and Iran were too enthusiastic about lethality and nihilistic about international law, and he’ll be in big legal trouble when Democrats subpoena them next year.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 