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- Pastors from many of the nation’s biggest Evangelical churches say Donald Trump has not returned any of their phone calls since November 5th of 2024, and say they now suspect Trump was faking his Christian faith for political gain.
- Trump’s doctors have reportedly diagnosed him with “Early Onset Decomposition.”
- Trump is reportedly beginning to tell people at Mar-a-Lago that the “JD Vance Iran Deal” was a “dud.”
- Trump is reportedly asking his staffers what they think about if he blamed Jared Kushner for the Iran War by calling Fox News and saying, “I’ve been asking Marco and JD, and no one has any idea what Jared’s doing or saying on all his suspicious trips to Israel.”
- Italian officials say Trump smelled so bad at the G7 summit that “the only begging going on was diplomats begging to have seats on the far side of the table opposite Trump.”
- Thanks to the news that fleeing Russian citizens are causing traffic jams on every highway out of Crimea and slowing the Russian military’s withdrawal, Ukraine’s fundraising sale of decks of cards featuring JD Vance’s frowning face has sold out in just hours.
- Top GOP fundraisers are reportedly scrambling to find new donors for the midterm elections because Russia has lost 40% of its oil refining profits, Israel is furious with Trump over the Iran deal, and Hungary just kicked Viktor Orbán out of office.
- Several cities in which Jeff Bezos owns a mansion are reportedly looking into shutting off his water supply so the water he uses for lawn maintenance, showers, and toilets can be saved for the nearest data center.
- A video taken today of a man getting arrested for grabbing flakes of the Reflecting Pool’s peeling paint shows two birds in the background dipping their beaks into the water and then flying away with their own flakes without being accosted by police.
- The self-described “biggest MAGA fan in Utah” who took out a high-interest $5,000 loan to invest in Trump’s crypto coin that’s now essentially worthless because he expected to get payments from D.O.G.E. and the tariff relief checks that Trump promised but never delivered now claims it’s Joe Biden’s fault that his car got repossessed for missing too many payments and he’s facing eviction from his apartment.
- Russia’s economy is collapsing so hard that Vladimir Putin is reportedly thinking about auctioning off all the blackmail the Russian intelligence services have collected on Trump and Republican members of Congress to pay for the war.
- Trump reportedly wants to convert Washington D.C.’s National Museum of African American History and Culture into an AI data center.
- Protesters are reportedly throwing copies of the Epstein Files into the Reflecting Pool so that the police finally do something with them, even if it’s just to pull them out of the water.
- French officials say some gold decor pieces from Versailles have been missing since Trump’s visit to sign the Iran deal.
- A growing group of nearly 1,600 people in Wisconsin who voted for Trump in 2024 are reportedly going to publicly apologize to their fellow Wisconsinites on and around the music stage at the Milwaukee 4th of July festival for helping allow Trump to turn everything he touches into a dumpster fire.
- Trump is reportedly panicking after the judge overseeing a lawsuit on the NDAs he makes all his staffers sign hinted at their unconstitutionality so staffers may soon be free to talk openly about his naps, body odor, failing health, and dementia symptoms.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 