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- Trump says if Democrats win big tomorrow it will be because of Americans’ unhappiness with their governors and members of Congress, not his administration.
- Mitch McConnell reportedly died two weeks ago and no one noticed.
- Stephen Miller reportedly didn’t make it back to his house before dawn from his all-nighter of lurking through D.C.’s streets to snatch and drink the blood of children, and Katie Miller is terrified he lost track of time and was burned to dust from the sun’s first rays.
- A new liberal super PAC called “The 2028 Tar & Feathering Committee” is reportedly raising millions of dollars right now to “primary the shit out of” any Congressional Democrat over the next two years who says “we should move on” about investigating Trump family crimes.
- A top GOP official accidentally said on a hot mic, “We would so easily be keeping the Senate if our candidates weren’t nuclear disasters. Democrats are lucky their primary voters aren’t attracted to amoral, dumpster fire morons like ours. Like moths to a streetlight!”
- A MAGA influencer dressed like Jesus simulating being crucified on a wooden cross outside an Ohio Cheesecake Factory to protest the state’s midterm blue swing was arrested mid-stunt by police following his ex-wife reporting pedophile content she found on his computer.
- Conservative Supreme Court justices are reportedly worried a Democratic Congress will institute new ethics rules to end the “Billionaire Adoption” program where the Heritage Foundation assigns them a billionaire benefactor who buys them vacations and real estate deals.
- Mike Johnson is reportedly worried that, if Democrats release all the Epstein Files in January, the only thing history will remember him for as America’s 56th Speaker of the House is protecting pedophile billionaires from justice for three years.
- Approximately 1/4th of Trump’s rally crowd last night was made up of hecklers who interrupted him yelling about the Epstein Files, Jared Kushner’s bribes, and Iran on average every two minutes, and some real MAGA fans stopped booing them and joined the heckling.
- Meta executives are reportedly worried Brazil’s reelected President Lula will prosecute Facebook “like a honey badger” for meddling in their election to help Flávio Bolsonaro’s oligarchy platform.
- Trump reportedly just learned how Congress passes bills into law, and now he’s furious he didn’t campaign harder or spend any of his own money to try and help Republicans keep control of at least the Senate.
- A liberal super PAC is reportedly setting up a thermal video camera at Trump’s rally tonight that they’re calling the “Trump Dump Detector” to capture infrared proof that when he makes a weird “euhhh” guttural sound mid-sentence it’s because he’s crapping his pants.
- A White House insider says Trump has been discussing his 2027 legislative goals this week as if Republicans will still control the Senate, “like Hitler moving ghost divisions around on the map planning the defense of Berlin in May, 1945.”
- Trump is reportedly complaining to White House staffers about how much hush money he’ll have to start paying out starting November 4th to keep his staffers and Congressional Republicans from cooperating with Democratic investigations.
- Members of the GOP Closetocracy say their parties aren’t as fun since Lindsey Graham died and Mitch McConnell had a stroke.
- Trump is reportedly beginning to worry he doesn’t actually have the highest approval of any president in US history.
- Which headline was your favorite? Tell me in the comments!
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