Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is reportedly only eating lettuce now, a diet he says will prepare his mortal body for the Great Shelling, the moment at the end of the Earth and all materialistic existence.
Afterwards, McConnell has faith in the Great Shelling, a spiritual event in which all righteous human souls will be gifted metaphysical shells and flippers to swim through the cosmic waves toward the edge of the universal Garden Pond where he’ll float peacefully and eternally, basking in the warm, sunny goodness of the Ur-Turtle, Tort-Ler, the herpetological god and creator of the universe, whose ancient wisdom and omnipresence preserve justice and balance to all matter and existing beings from the Great Heavenly Pond of the Beyond.
McConnell claims he has seen unambiguous signs that the Great Shelling will take place any day now, and he has begun sneaking breaks during the Congressional work day to go out to the lawn in front of the Capitol Building and take a sun shower to purify his cold-blooded veins in prayer and meditation. He then confesses his sins to Tort-Ler, who absolves him and blesses him despite his original sin of not hatching from an egg.
While basking in the sun, McConnell reportedly recites softly to himself under his breath Tort-Ler’s Prayer:
“Our Turtle Lord in the Great Heavenly Pond of the Beyond, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in the soft ripples of Your aquatic salvation. Give us this day our daily lettuce, and forgive us our cold-blooded blasphemies, and lead us not into mammalian temptation, but deliver us into reptilian piety.
McConnell is also reportedly digging holes in the lawns around the Capitol Building into which he says he will soon lay hundreds of eggs.
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