EXCLUSIVE: The Leaked List Of Donald Trump’s Speculative Pardons

In a new humiliating case of ignorance, President Donald Trump tried and failed to pardon away his hundreds of millions of dollars in known debts, and wanted to issue a second pardon for his undisclosed debts hidden within his veiled tax returns as well. He learned yesterday that pardons do not work that way.

Trump’s lawyers have reportedly been investigating possible uses of presidential pardon power in order to shield his family members, administration officials, and even himself from criminal consequences of alleged Russian collusion in the 2016 presidential election. Trump’s ignorance of constitutional law has reportedly stalled the lawyers’ strategizing for the last few days because they have had to do so much explaining about the law to Mr. Trump.

A White House staffer reached out to The Halfway Post on the condition of anonymity in order to leak to us a definitive list of the pardons Mr. Trump initially wanted to issue. These were all written in Mr. Trump’s own handwriting, with personal notes attached to some:

  1. Pardon debts to all domestic and foreign institutions
  2. Pardon personal debts to all Russian oligarchs (sorry, Vlad, the pressure in the US is just too hot!)
  3. Pardon Donald Trump Jr. (he’s just a minor and shouldn’t be tried as an adult)
  4. Pardon Jared Kushner for Russian collusion (he would not do well in prison)
  5. Pardon Paul Manafort for treason (he’s a great guy)
  6. Pardon Ivanka Trump (the real crime would be that body locked away in a prison cell)
  7. Pardon the pee tapes away
  8. Pardon all other Russian kompromat away, and pardon Melania from having to hear about it
  9. Pardon Michael Flynn (that guy has wayyy too much dirt on me)
  10. Pardon Robert Pattinson from all future heartbreaks (but definitely not hussy Kristen Stewart)
  11. Pardon Stephen Miller from whatever future crimes that weirdo is inevitably going to commit
  12. Pardon Jeff Sessions from having to go back living in Alabama
  13. Pardon the New York Times from being so lame and failing so bad
  14. Pardon all my loser haters for being such loser haters
  15. Pardon the Trump Organization for never using American labor or materials
  16. Pardon Hillary Clinton (just kidding)
  17. Pardon Vladimir Putin for all human rights violations (Vlad HAS to give me that pee tape now!)
  18. Pardon Arnold Schwarzenegger for ruining The Apprentice
  19. Pardon Saddam Hussein posthumously for all crimes against humanity because that guy was a strong leader
  20. Pardon myself retroactively for all my bankruptcies
  21. Pardon everyone who has been on my staff, is on my staff, or will be on my staff, except Sean Spicer

This has been an exclusive report from The Halfway Post, the most trusted name in halfway real news.

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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