Paul Ryan Really Hopes His GOP-Government Doesn’t End In Depression Like 1929 and 2007 Did

Washington D.C.—

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan reportedly told his House Republican caucus that he really hopes this current GOP-controlled government doesn’t end in an economic depression like the previous, fully GOP-controlled governments did in 1929 and 2006.

In the 1920s, there were three consecutive Republican presidencies committed to laissez-faire governance accompanied by Republican Congressional majorities, which, as we all know, led to the Great Depression.

In 2004, the GOP obtained full control of the government and again committed itself to laissez-faire governance and deregulation, which of course led to the Great Recession in 2007 and 2008. It’s called a “recession” for political reasons, but we all know it lasted long enough to be a depression.

Speaker Ryan reportedly told his caucus that even though the GOP was again going to commit itself to the exact same laissez-faire and deregulation policies, he was expecting that it would have a different outcome this time.

“Speaker Ryan asked us all to join hands and pray for a minute that God would suddenly bless Republican economic policy this time around, unlike the other times where God totally allowed the economy to tank epically and make Republicans look really bad,” said a Republican Congresswoman who requested anonymity to discuss the private GOP meeting candidly. “Democrats are always saying that our policies lead to greater economic inequalities, and they suggest that our tax schemes bankrupt the government while our safety net cuts undermine our professed empathy for the poor, sick, old and young, but we believe that if we just triple down on these demonstrably ineffective policies, the economy will finally prove us right once and for all.”

“I think the problem with 1929 and 2007 was that Republicans just did not believe hard enough in wealthy elites’ ability to turn the American economy into a paradise of equality,” said another Republican congressperson, who also requested anonymity. “So this time, Paul Ryan has bravely committed himself to once again let banks and Big Business regulate themselves without any pesky oversight by the government, and to abandon the government’s commitment to it’s most vulnerable so that already rich people only have to support the country with the most minimal tax rate possible. It hasn’t ever worked in the past—yet!—but the third time is a charm, right?”

A Halfway Post reporter passed Mr. Ryan in a Congressional hallway, but could not get his attention on account of him whispering “Please no depression, please no depression, please no depression” to himself over and over.