Nation Suspects Jon Stewart Could Have Saved Us From Donald Trump By Not Retiring


St. Louis, MO—

While Donald Trump’s presidency continues to ruin America—he’s threatened military involvement in North Korea and Venezuela, he has most likely been bought and paid for by a Russian kompromat campaign, he is alienating his Republican Congressional majorities, his approval rating is breaking records every week for lowliness, and he’s an all around shitty human being—the American people privately suspect that all of this could have been avoided if Jon Stewart hadn’t retired from The Daily Show and instead had mocked Trump mercilessly and completely throughout the whole 2016 presidential campaign.

“I think about this literally every single day,” said St. Louis local Matthew Reeder. “Jon Stewart would have compiled epic montages of Trump’s endless lies, exaggerations, and masturbatory self-congratulations, and everyone would have easily realized what a joke of a person Trump is. No one could do it like Jon Stewart.”

“Jon Stewart was named the most trusted person in news several times for good reason,” said Stephanie Schwartz, also from St. Louis. “When I heard Jon was retiring, I was devastated. I literally could not wait to listen to his epic and viral rants about Trump’s smallness accompanied with tasteful poop jokes, but he left us right when we needed him most.”

“I was personally looking forward to the inevitable feud between Jon Stewart and Trump because of the way that Trump kept making fun of Jon Stewart for using the name ‘Stewart’ instead of his real last name ‘Leibowitz,’” said Jennifer Goody, of St. Charles. “Talk about unashamed antisemitism from Trump. And, like, that’s the one thing Trump could say about Jon, and it would not go well for him. America was straight up blue-balled when Stewart retired. I would literally give Jon everything I own if he would just come back and start eviscerating Trump metaphorically every day.”

Come back, Jon Stewart.

(Picture courtesy of the US Navy.)

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