St. Louis, MO—
At 11am this morning, local Trump supporter Richard “Bubba” Evans, 45, was seen driving down Highway 70 eastward from St. Charles County, and on his big red truck were no less than three bumper stickers proudly exclaiming “TRUMP” in an obnoxious font and various anti-Hillary Clinton phrases.
It is unclear if Evans was intentionally outing himself as a huge douche—or if he simply didn’t know that even one Trump sticker (let alone three) outed him as a huge douche—but The Halfway Post received several phone calls describing his predictably erratic behavior behind the wheel.
“I knew the guy was going to be a total dick just from seeing the stickers, so I tried to stay several car lengths behind him,” said driver Alan Wolff. “But sure enough he still found a way to ruin my morning by randomly deciding to throw trash out his window for the wind to blow straight onto my windshield and create a driving hazard for me. For real, the guy threw out at least six separate bags of fast food meals and I don’t know how many ‘Big Gulp’ soda cups. So much trash that he could have responsibly waited to throw away at a gas station or something.”
Reportedly, the douche Trump supporter’s truck itself was a menace on the road.
“He did the thing to his truck where you screw with the exhaust pipe and it spews out black smoke every time you accelerate,” said commuter Alicia Teel. “For a solid two minutes I was behind the guy having to smell that shit, and I eventually got off the highway and waited a few minutes just to let him get far enough ahead of me that I wouldn’t have to breathe in his disdain for our air. Just no respect for the environment whatsoever.”
And as you might imagine, Evans’ driving habits were douchey as well.
“This Trump dude apparently never learned how to use a turn signal,” said Amanda Rhodes. “Maybe it’s because he was mocking me for driving a Prius because I give a shit about this planet we all live on and share, or because I had a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker because I support REAL populism that isn’t based on blatant racism, but he kept cutting me off for like ten miles over and over. I was running real late for work this morning so I couldn’t slow down and just let him get way ahead of me, but he very nearly hit me repeatedly. Of course he was wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. Of course. Clearly ironic, because the only thing that guy is making America is douchey.”
Watch out fellow readers, for any Trump-bedazzled automobiles. They are openly admitting they are douches.
(Photo courtesy of Steve Baker.)