St. Louis, MO—
The Green Party is beginning to plan its strategy for Election 2020, and the Greens are committing once again to steal enough votes from the eventual Democratic presidential nominee so that a Republican presidential candidate wins.
“It’s not our fault the Democratic Party cannot pass the Green Party purity test of liberalism,” said Green Party Committee Chairman Ron Elders. “Al Gore and Hillary Clinton are the perfect examples of the Democratic Party’s failed centrist, ‘third way’ politics, and if the Democrats would just turn much more unelectably liberal, we might finally endorse the Democratic candidate.”
Elders kept repeating the phrase “It’s not our fault,” perhaps as a rhetorical form of self-persuasion to stop thinking about the consequences of the Green Party’s role in helping elect disaster-presidents George W. Bush and Donald Trump.
“It’s not our fault that Democrats only give us 90% of what we want,” Elders said. “That’s just not good enough for us. We want to be able to fall asleep at night, so the Democrats leave us with no choice except to continue peeling off enough voters from them so that they keep losing elections. We don’t want to compromise on even one issue. Until the government is totally 100% liberal, we will stand in the way of its incremental increases! And all the consequences of obstructing liberal administrations from being elected are not our fault!”
Elders eventually acknowledged the pro-GOP effect of their presidential campaigns smearing Democratic candidates.
“Granted, our efforts have meant that the Republican presidential candidate has won undeservedly in two elections out of the last five, and we have gotten 0% of what we want, but Democrats should have given us that extra 10% we demand. It doesn’t matter that Trump is the darkest stain on American democracy in history, and everyone knew he would be terrible throughout the entire election. Our votes against President Hillary Clinton was totally necessary, even though, obviously, she would have been a much better president than this fascist Trump. Hillary wasn’t perfect, so the bottom line is we couldn’t let her win. And it’s totally not our fault we’re stuck with Trump, who is way worse! If Trump ever starts putting all his liberal political opponents and critics in his hispanic concentration camps and starts new world wars, it will all be Democrats’ fault for not being just slightly more liberal!”
We here at The Halfway Post wish the Green Party the worst of luck in 2020.