In a Q&A part of a meet-and-greet with college students pursuing degrees in the social sciences, President Barack Obama suggested that the nuclear football President Donald Trump has access to is not the real nuclear football.
When asked if he thought President Trump might actually use nuclear weapons in North Korea, the former President offered words of comfort to students worried about the domestic and international messes Donald Trump’s presidency will inevitably leave their generation to fix.
“I obviously can’t explain too many details,” said Barack Obama, “But let’s just say that the nuclear football Donald has may not be the actual nuclear football.”
The students gasped.
“And, let me assure you all that Joe Biden and I personally hid the real nuclear codes. We hid them in a place I am quite positive is the very last place on Earth Donald would go looking for them. He would not find the real nuclear codes in a million years. You can take that to the bank. Let’s just say they’re not in Russia, you feel me? I’ll tell you where they might be, though. The White House gym. Ha! Or the salad line in the White House cafeteria. He’d never find it there! I may have hid them in Melania’s room, ha! You know he ain’t ever allowed back in there! Actually, I have the military intelligence agencies write the exact location of the codes in every one of his daily security briefings, but he never reads the things. You know, my first hiding spot was going to be Paul Ryan’s spine, but he doesn’t have one! I couldn’t hide anything in that guy’s nonexistent, gelatinous spine! Okay, fun’s over, I’ll come clean: I hid the nuclear football in Mitch McConnell’s turtle shell! Ha! That never gets old. The guy seriously looks like a turtle, am I right? Gotta be serious now though, everybody. To be totally honest, I hid the nuclear football in Michael Cohen’s house. But, oh no! Michael Cohen had to sell his house to pay off all those porn stars! The guy is totally broke! Whoever bought his foreclosed home now has the codes! Just kidding, just kidding. For real though, I hid the nuclear football in Trump’s hair. That mop of his is so filled with hairspray and synthetic weave that the guy will never untangle the thing and get it out of the bird nest he claims is his natural, unbalding hair. I hid the nuclear codes in a book. Any book! Every single book in America. But Trump doesn’t ever read so we can all rest assured Trump will never be nuking anyone! The SNL people were telling me when Trump was on SNL he was practically illiterate and couldn’t read his lines. All Trump has to do is open any book in America and he’ll find the codes! But he doesn’t read. The guy couldn’t even get past the first two chapters of The Art of the Deal, and he claimed he wrote the thing. Alright, alright, enough fun. I’ll come clean. I hid the nuclear football right in the middle of the stairs to the private White House residences. Donald only has 6 little steps to climb up and grab the thing, but we all know that ain’t ever happening. As long the nuclear football never gets put in an elevator, America’s safe. Trump’s fascist dreams can all be foiled with a well-placed set of stairs. You’re welcome, everyone. Thanks for listening, you’ve been great. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal. Thank you, thank you. Oh, and Joe Biden wanted me to give you all a message straight from Uncle Joe himself. He wanted me to tell you all to keep it chill, and keep it real. Thank you everybody.”