Mike Pence Reportedly Distracts Trump’s Worst Impulses With Pudding Cups

Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump’s tempestuous temper tantrums may be frequent, but they are easily sidetracked by his favorite dessert: chocolate Snack Pack pudding cups.

“Vice President Pence always keeps half a dozen of them stocked in his office down the White House hallway from the Oval Office,” explained an executive aide who requested anonymity to discuss candidly the inner workings of the Trump Administration. “As soon as he sees Trump start clenching his fists, folding his arms tightly across his chest, or facially turning from orange to a bright red, Pence runs to his office, grabs a pudding cup and spoon, and has the foil top removed by the time he can get to Trump’s desk. That calms the President down considerably, and it has averted a lot of potential disasters… a lot. Quite a few nuclear strikes, frankly. Pence probably has to give him three or four pudding cups a day.”

The following are a list of vindictive executive orders Trump tried to sign before a well-timed pudding cup distracted him:

  • Arresting Hillary Clinton
  • Wiretapping Meryl Streep, adding her to the FBI’s Most Wanted list
  • Drone bombing everyone Adam Schiff has ever loved
  • Giving Russia 75 electoral votes in Election 2020
  • Ordering his Second Amendment supporters to “take out” broccoli
  • Cutting his own taxes to -35% so he gains money from the IRS
  • Promoting Ivanka to Secretary of Defense
  • Renaming the White House as “Trump Mansion”
  • Making his inauguration date a federal holiday
  • Retroactively aborting Eric
  • Drafting Nancy Pelosi to the Marines, sending her to Afghanistan
  • Renaming Long John Silver’s fast food chain to “Long Don Silver’s”
  • Giving The Art of the Deal the National Book Award for Nonfiction every year he’s been President
  • Spending tax dollars on a new boob job for Melania
  • Minting a $3 bill with his face on the front, Mar-a-Lago on the back
  • Deporting all DREAMer women who are “8’s or less”
  • Buying the rights to The Apprentice from NBC with taxpayer money and airing marathons of its seasons on PBS
  • Instituting the President’s right to prima nocta

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