Mike Pence Reportedly Distracts Trump’s Worst Impulses With Pudding Cups

Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump’s tempestuous temper tantrums may be frequent, but they are easily sidetracked by his favorite dessert: chocolate Snack Pack pudding cups.

“Vice President Pence always keeps half a dozen of them stocked in his office down the White House hallway from the Oval Office,” explained an executive aide who requested anonymity to discuss candidly the inner workings of the Trump Administration. “As soon as he sees Trump start clenching his fists, folding his arms or facially turning from orange to a bright red, Pence runs to his office, grabs a pudding cup and spoon, and has the foil top removed by the time he can get to Trump’s desk. That calms the President down considerably, and it has averted a lot of potential disasters… a lot. Pence probably gives him three or four pudding cups a day.”

According to the aide, the following are a list of vindictive actions Mr. Trump tried to commit to via executive orders before a well-timed pudding cup distracted him:

  • Arresting Hillary Clinton
  • Wiretapping Meryl Streep and adding her to the FBI’s Most Wanted list
  • Giving Jeffrey Epstein a “Get Out of Jail Free” card
  • Drone bombing everyone Adam Schiff has ever loved
  • Giving Russia 75 electoral votes in Election 2020
  • Banning brocoli
  • Cutting his taxes to -30% so he gains money from the government
  • Promoting Ivanka to Secretary of Defense
  • Changing the US Flag to a picture of his 2016 Electoral College victory
  • Renaming the White House as “Trump Mansion”
  • Making his birthday a national holiday
  • Retroactively aborting Eric
  • Fining anyone who says Obama’s Inauguration crowd was bigger
  • Drafting Nancy Pelosi to join the Marines fighting in Afghanistan
  • Renaming Long John Silver’s fast food chain to “Long Don Silver’s”
  • Giving The Art of the Deal the National Book Award for Nonfiction every year he’s been President
  • Spending tax dollars on a new boob job for Melania
  • Minting a new $3 bill with his face on it
  • Deporting all Mexican immigrants and any women who are “7’s or less”
  • Buying the rights to The Apprentice from NBC and airing marathons of its seasons on PBS
  • Replacing the image of Thomas Jefferson’s home Monticello on the back of the nickel with an image of Trump Tower

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