Worried Trump Has COVID-19, Matt Gaetz Has Been Giving Him Sponge Baths

Washington D.C.—

Representative Matt Gaetz has gotten very close to President Donald Trump in recent months, and the news that Mr. Trump may have been infected with the coronavirus has really shocked Gaetz.

According to White House insiders, Gaetz has taken it upon himself to personally bathe Trump in order to rinse away all the COVID germs.

“It would be charming if it weren’t also so weird at the same time,” explained a presidential adviser, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the President’s relationships. “Matt Gaetz has been coming over to the White House residency every day this week at about 8:30pm, and he brings a bath robe for the president, a bottle of bubble soap, and some orange rubber duckies.”

A White House janitor also requesting anonymity told The Halfway Post that they spend an hour or two each night in the bathroom.

“It’s my job to clean out the bathroom every night, and, unfortunately, this bubble bath routine really sets back my night and keeps me at work very late. They leave the door open so I periodically check on them to see how far along they are, but I usually regret looking. Gaetz always brings a swim suit so he can get his legs in the tub, and Trump lays down in between them while Gaetz shampoos his hair very delicately to not rip out any of the hair implants. Gaetz will usually give him a weird hairdo with the bubbles and then Trump will get out and look at himself in the mirror and tell stories about the hair he used to have. Gaetz usually hums to himself while sponging down Trump’s back, but sometimes Trump wants Gaetz to tell him all the things that the other Republicans in Congress say about him, and Gaetz really exaggerates. He really puffs up Trump and tells stories as if all the Republicans do nothing but sit around all day and talk about how smart and good looking Trump is. One night I heard Gaetz say that Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, and Liz Cheney have a $10,000 bet over which one of them can sleep with Trump first. There’s literally no way that’s true. But Trump buys all the stories. And the two of them go through all the female Congressional Democrats’ pictures and rate them on a scale between one and ten. Oddly enough, I once overheard Trump say Nancy Pelosi was a 10, and that he’d love for her to tie him up and do anything to him she wants. Then I had to leave and I barely made it to a trash can to throw up.”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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