Miami, FL—
Executives from one of the several cruise line companies asking the Federal Government for a bailout, Dreamscape Cruises, promises that not all the money they receive from taxpayers will go toward buying back their own stock and routine annual salary increases.
The following is a statement from Steven Dorks, CEO of Dreamscape Cruises:
“We acknowledge that this is a humbling moment for the cruise line industry, and that’s why I promise my company will only use taxpayer dollars with the maximum of fiscal responsibility. We pledge to spend a full 7.5% of any bailout funds we receive on getting our company back on track toward long-term profitability, because we at Dreamscape Cruises understand that any stimulus package is a sacred trust between us and the American people. The other minuscule 92.5% we will spend on a number of company-strengthening measures. First off, the executives who negotiated the bailout deserve a percentage of the funds, myself included, to reward ourselves for the increased financial value we have brought to the company. We haven’t finalized the math yet, but anywhere from 15-25% of the bailout funds will go toward these bonuses. Otherwise, we may just quit this company and go work for another rich company. We have to give ourselves big salaries in order to attract our own business talents to Dreamscape Cruises. Business 101 stuff. Another 5% of the bailout will go toward buying new Panamanian flags and various amounts of paint in order to color our ships the various flag colors of several nations in Latin America. A lot of our profits would have to go to the US Government in taxes if we didn’t pretend our companies were based in foreign countries so as to avoid any American tax responsibilities, and for long-term growth we need to make sure our profits stay in our corporate boardroom, not paying for services or social programs in the US! Actually, on second thought, I think we should take the money to do this out of that 7.5% because the paint will get very expensive. I don’t want that to cut into my bonus. The rest of the bailout money we receive will go toward stock buyback schemes so that we can further inflate our stock prices and our own personal net worths based on the copious stock options us executives have awarded ourselves over the years. Our industry no longer makes fiscal sense, and many of our giant cruise ships barely make a profit, so if we want to increase value in the stock market, we have to artificially inflate our stock price. And the best part about that is, if our stock prices go up dramatically, we can convince the Dreamscape Cruises board to approve us giving ourselves even higher bonuses! Wouldn’t that be awesome? Meanwhile, our workers won’t be getting any wage increases or new benefits. We’ll still be laying off a lot of them, and actually cutting their wages because of the effect the pandemic has had on the economy, but that will open up our company for even more profits if we can squeeze the same amount of work and productivity out of a smaller number of employees. And more profits equals more bonuses, am I right? So, on behalf of Dreamscape Cruises, let me just say I can’t wait for that sweet, sweet bailout money!”
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(Picture courtesy of Lyn Gateley.)
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