Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump today spoke at a press conference in which he meandered in a stream-of-consciousness rant that addressed dozens of topics.
The rant began with him promising that he had not gone to the Walter Reed Medical Center on account of suffering mini-strokes, which was then followed by Trump denying, unprompted, the following supposed allegations:
- He had to reinstall President Taft’s XXL toilet and bathtub because the toilet and bathtub used in the White House residency since the 1920s were too small for him.
- He used to eat a bunch of paint chips as a kid, and gnaw on the moldings in his room like a rat.
- He doesn’t know what Martin Luther King Jr. is famous for.
- He wears depends.
- He weighs substantially more than 239 pounds.
- Kim Jong Un catfished him pretending to be a hot, North Korean prostitute very into golden showers, and got him to text the North Korean government a picture of his genitals.
- Vladimir Putin writes him personal letters with “Collusion Boy” written on the back of the envelopes.
- Eric was an accident.
- None of his wives have ever respected him.
- John Barron, the tabloid source, was him all along.
- He didn’t know South America existed until 2017.
- He uses a finger-lengthening contraption every morning for half an hour.
- His father used to lock him in the family dog’s kennel until he was15, and that’s why he’s the first president in a century not to have a dog.
- His favorite musical group is ABBA.
- He has saucer nipples.
- His hair is made up of implanted Mongolian ferret fur.
- He has wet dreams about Angela Merkel.
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