Trump Claims Vote Totals Can’t Be Released As They Are “Under Audit”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump tweeted this afternoon a novel reason why the election’s vote totals should not be released:

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the IRS has just informed me that the election’s vote totals can’t be released publicly because the IRS is planning a full audit of the votes! It’s a giant shame, too, because I’m expected to win the election bigger than any president since Washington (Big Red Wave)!”

“I’m not surprised, the IRS always treats me so unfair. But I’m used to it! My 2015 tax returns are STILL under audit four years later, and the IRS told me to expect about the same wait for these election results! So sorry, Joe, looks like you’ll have to wait until 2024 to see if your Democrat pals cheated enough to let you win!”

“Until then I’ll continue to look after things here in the White House and keep America great! I”ll still be President and fully un-indictable (New York and the Manhattan District Attorney: are you reading this??), and all the conversations I’ve had with my staffers alleged to be criminal in nature will still be protected under executive privilege!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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