Trump: “I’m Going To Win So Big, Let’s Not Waste Everyone’s Time Actually Counting The Votes!”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump tweeted some questionable comments this morning about his supposed lead in the election:

“I was going to wait until 7pm Eastern Time to announce my victory over Sleepy Joe, but I’m going to win by such a big margin, why bother to make all those old lady poll workers with their frail arthritis fingers have to do so much organizing of millions of ballots? Congratulations President Trump!”

“You know me, I’m all about transparency! So why not just transparently end the counting right now and lock up all the votes until Bill Barr can go around city to city and burn them all? And, besides, the IRS just told me they want to audit the ballot returns this year, and you know what that means!”

“So just kick back and celebrate already! Good job, Joe, you tried your best! Well, maybe not your best, you slept through half the election! I’m sorry about smearing Hunter so bad, though, I may have gotten caught up in the heat of the election! I’d still trade Eric for Hunter any day! I was just worried because Russia didn’t manage to hack your emails…”

“…And dump them all online like they did to Crooked Hillary! I’m actually a little mad about that (I may have to finally say something to Putin about those bounties on our troops!) But why go through the trouble of all the states certifying my big, red wave? Let’s just agree I won bigger than Obama!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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