Trump Is Relieved He Doesn’t Have To Release A Healthcare Plan Anymore

Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump is relieved he lost the election to Joe Biden because it means he’s off the hook for unveiling the ObamaCare replacement plan he has been promising every two weeks for the last four years.

“Trump was furious at first when Fox News called Arizona for Biden, but after a day or so he started considering the brighter facets of losing,” explained a Trump staffer, who requested anonymity to discuss the President’s various healthcare lies. “His ObamaCare replacement was really making him sweat. It’s literally the only time I’ve ever heard him come close to admitting a personal mistake. He’d pace up and down the Oval Office asking everyone in the room why he said that his healthcare plan would be cheaper than ObamaCare, cover more people, and make people more happy when he could have said just two of those and not made the math so impossible.”

The following are other promises Trump made about his healthcare plan:

  • It will make COVID disappear like magic
  • America’s life expectancy will double
  • Thanks to TrumpCare he will live to 150 years old, and get to serve another 12 presidential terms “at least”
  • Canada, Germany and Sweden will copy it and adopt TrumpCare in their own countries
  • All pre-existing conditions will not only be covered, but also cured
  • Everyone will get tired of how many diseases get cured
  • Free Adderall
  • All nurses will get new medical uniforms that show off their cleavage
  • It will end baldness
  • He’ll personally conduct free mammograms for women
  • His son Eric will be in charge of national fundraisers for children’s charities
  • Democrats will have to pay higher premiums than Republicans because they didn’t vote for him
  • Free birth control and tampons will be provided for Megyn Kelly, Gretchen Whitmer, and Rosie O’Donnell

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