A step-by-step guide on how to live like a liberal.
Photo by Jack Prommel on Unsplash
8:30am — Wake up to the sound of a screaming newborn baby, and say quick morning prayers to the three S’s: Satan, Stalin, and Soros.
8:31am — Put on a scary Halloween mask to terrify the baby, and gets its adrenaline level up. Then perform a post-birth abortion on that baby while listening to NPR’s Morning News Edition.
8:33am — Begin draining the sweet, youthful, adrenochrome-filled blood into a hollowed out dildo. Using a quill and some of the baby’s blood, write down a reminder on a post-it note to donate to NPR and get their free tote bag.
8:40am — Once drained, put the baby’s corpse into a box addressed to Hillary Clinton if it’s an odd-numbered day, or Nancy Pelosi if it’s an even-numbered day.
8:41am — Put several Ruth Bader-Ginsburg themed stamps on it, and, just for good measure, write “I ❤️ CRITICAL RACE THEORY” on the box, followed by “DEFUND THE POLICE” and “ANTIFA 4EVR.”
8:43am — Pour the dildo of baby blood into a blender, and add fresh, organic fruit from an Oregon farm worked exclusively by weed-smoking hippies who evaded the draft and made America lose the Vietnam War. Sprinkle in a few shredded up Bible pages and rainbow marshmallows from a box of Lucky Charms. Taste it, and decide it needs “a little more gay.” Pour in the rest of the rainbow marshmallows.
8:45am — Step outside to smoke a joint, and blow the smoke in the faces of all the children walking to school. Hand out vapes, weed edibles, temporary tattoos of pentagrams, burned CDs of death metal music, Bernie Sanders “Feel the Bern” stickers, boxed sets of RuPaul’s Drag Race DVDs, and porn magazines to the elementary schoolers, and tell them, “You just got groomed, come see me when you turn 18.”
9:00am — Watch last night’s Rachel Maddow show while burning a Bible like it’s sage to repel God from the apartment.
10:00am — Conference call with Mark Zuckerberg and other Big Tech executives about which conservatives deserve censoring and shadow-banning today. Agree that Google should display several results pages of news articles about the time Ted Cruz liked a porn video on Twitter every time he Googles himself. Change Marjorie Taylor Greene’s photo on Wikipedia to a picture of Sasquatch.
10:57 — Check social media. Read a fact written in a post by Ben Shapiro, and briefly get feelings hurt.
11:14am — Decide to book a vacation for June. Look up prices at Disney World.
11:23am — Buy a dozen children’s books with gay and trans characters on Amazon to smuggle into Florida when going to Disney World.
12:01pm — Say a quick afternoon prayer for Pontius Pilate, and thank him for crucifying Jesus.
12:05pm — Eat a lunch of avocado toast.
12:30pm — Dress in drag to go read to children in the local public library.
1:00pm — Teach the children how to make a profile on the app Grindr.
1:17pm — After every child has finished their Grindr profile, make all the white children in the audience apologize to the Black children for being irredeemable racists. Pass out hormone blockers. Give each child an opposite-gender name, and remind them never to speak of any of this to their parents.
1:39pm — Go shopping at Target, and buy a case of Bud Light. Pour a can into a spray bottle while walking around outside and spritzing anyone wearing a cross necklace in the face.
2:02pm — Go to Nike and check if they have any new Colin Kaepernick shoes available. Lie in front of the door and yell at every shopper stepping over, “You’re the problem!”
2:30pm — Write a letter to NASCAR saying you’re their biggest fan, and would love to see more drivers of color.
2:35pm — Write a letter to M&Ms about how, even with the new makeover, the Green M&M is still too sexy and in danger of being masturbated to by Tucker Carlson. Suggest they start having the Green M&M wear a burqa or at least a hijab for Muslim inclusion.
2:50pm — Mail the previous letters along with this month’s union dues to the Gay Agenda, as well as several dozen 2024 mail-in ballots for Joe Biden to Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Michigan, Arizona, and Georgia.
3:00pm — Deep State conference call on Zoom for a preliminary meeting on how to rig the 2024 election against Donald Trump. Remind everyone that this time Democrats should ensure more down-ballot Republicans lose, too, and not just Trump.
4:00pm — Conference call on Zoom with Donald Trump’s doctors on how to rig his blood pressure and cholesterol against him. Also, brainstorm ideas for new vaccines to force conservatives to take.
5:00pm—Dye hair blue.
5:45pm — Stop by the hospital to pick up tomorrow’s baby.
6:16pm — Dress the baby in drag, and host a coming-out party for it with your socialist friends. Thank Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for stopping by.
6:40pm — Baptize the baby in a kiddie pool filled with goat’s blood for Lucifer. Take a photo of the baby with Barack Obama giving it a “terrorist fist jab.”
6:53pm — Lead chants of “Death to America.”
7:30pm — Dress up like a Proud Boy with a MAGA flag, and participate in an insurrection to blame it on Trump supporters.
Follow me on Twitter @HalfwayPost, and follow me here at Medium.com @DashMacIntyre for more of my comedy.
Check out my brand new poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available now on Amazon.
Also check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
And check out my comedy portfolio, my Dada news portfolio, and my portfolio of prose poems.
The Halfway Post 