This is probably due to these ongoing GOP legislative efforts:
- The creation of a new “DMV” called the Department of Menstrual Vaginas to oversee the rationing of feminine care products, where women must go each month, take a numbered ticket, and wait in long lines before receiving the five tampons OR five pads rationed to them each month by very surly, fundamentalist Christian employees.
- All girls and women in America must modify their period schedules so that, from now on, they all start bleeding on the 15th of each month so it’s easier for police, GOP legislators, husbands, and fathers to track pregnancies and investigate possible abortions.
- “Big Science” must officially announce that the clitoris and G-spot are a hoax, and scientists must stop profiting off the lie that women can enjoy any form of sex for non-procreative purposes.
- A national program in public schools where girls, starting in the third grade, will be given a government-issued and “WWJD” stamped chicken egg to bring everywhere they go to teach them about the importance of protecting fetuses. If anything happens to the egg, their parents will be fined $35 to replace it, and they will have to spend all morning waiting in line at the DMV (Department of Menstrual Vaginas) to get the new egg.
- A program for poor and ethnic minority pregnant women to check in with a “pregnancy compliance officer” every month.
- A new medical regulation that doctors must tattoo tally marks on women’s wrists when they go for their first pregnancy checkups so that everyone can compare how many times in their lives they were pregnant with how many children they have.
- A law that mandates medical schools to invite an Evangelical pastor or a Republican member of Congress to be present when they’re teaching med students about the female reproductive system to ensure they’re not spreading any “liberal propaganda.”
- A law that says wives must submit all their prayers to God for their husbands’ approval to make sure they’re not praying for a miscarriage. God would never knowingly allow a miscarriage to happen, but sometimes He gets busy and misses a few because there are so many Satanically conniving women around the world.
- A law that says single women must never bathe their underwear zone so that men are physically repulsed if they get anywhere near an unmarried vagina.
- The repeal of prohibition on child marriages because, as GOP Representative Rusty Haddleton of rural Georgia says, “Better a million child brides than a single bastard child.”
- The repeal of all laws on bestiality because, as GOP Representative Rusty Haddleton of rural Georgia says, “The more that men can freely have destigmatized sexual relations with farm animals, the less premarital sexual relations they’ll be having with human women.”
- The disenfranchisement of women’ vote until the number of abortions in America goes down to zero.
- A budget expenditure of a $100 million grant split amongst several, select doctors to begin research on finding biological processes with which men can carry and birth babies instead of women on account of how much more trustworthy and dependable men are over women to not abort babies.
- The institution of a new civilian award issued by the President (or Republican-controlled chambers of Congress in the event that the president is a Democrat) for women who die from preventable complications of nonviable pregnancies, such as ectopic pregnancies, called the “Medal of Maternity.”
- Legalization of polygamy so that all child-less spinsters over 35 can be forced into marriages to men with unblemished records of monogamy to reward their Christian devotion.
- Segregation of schooling by gender so that Godly, studious boys aren’t distracted by sex-obsessed teen girls who can only seem to think with their labia about stealing their fellow boys’ virginities.
- The addition of a new Constitutional amendment that says married women must “put out” 3 times a week unless they’re pregnant, menopausal, or their husbands have mistresses they’d rather sleep with instead.
- Reinstitution of the draft for women who get abortions so if they’re going to kill kids here in America, at least they can be sent to a war zone to kill the kids of America’s enemies too.
- Federal recognition of male sperm as “America’s official gamete” over female eggs.
- The legalization of public masturbation for men because it will make America a more masculine country.
- A policy where male Republican members of Congress with promising careers can get one “abortion coupon” per year per mistress, but no other abortions will be allowed.
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