Ghost activity in Washington D.C. is increasing unexpectedly, and Republican Congressional staffers are reporting an uptick in the number of encounters with the ghosts of former presidents, particularly the first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln comes by in the evenings and screams at Republican members of Congress working late for ruining his party, and he explains to them how he’d 100% be a Democrat today if he were still alive because, if Republicans did the slightest bit of research into the GOP’s 1860s party platform, they would discover wildly liberal planks and policy ideas, such as funding extensive internal infrastructure—particularly railroads—uninhibited asylum and citizenship rights to any immigrant who wanted them, “vigorous” taxation, and governmental intervention to expand and ensure civil rights for freed slaves.
“Which party does that sound most like today?” Lincoln demands at the end of his rants. “Look at an electoral map of 1860. Which states elected me? Geographically, the exact same power base as the states that elected Joe Biden! There is nothing more deserving of an eye roll in all of American domestic politics than hearing aggressively ignorant conservatives think they’re making a worthwhile political argument in defense of today’s Republicans by pointing out that I was one. I’m for Dark Brandon all the way!”
Other presidential ghosts have been making appearances as well:
George Washington floats around confessing that he accidentally sparked the French and Indian War in the 1754, and you can look it up to verify it.
Rutherford Hayes asks Congressional visitors and tourists, “What’s the big problem with Joe Biden sniffing kids’ hair? Sniffing kids’ hair is great!”
James Buchanan tells anyone who will listen, “I was a lifelong bachelor, and my almost inseparable best friend was male. You know what that means when you read it in the history books, don’t you?”
Warren Harding hides in Senate closets, and when senators are walking around he’ll pop out and say, “You know how much poon I used to get in the White House? Bill Clinton’s a virgin boy scout compared to me! Also, my wife murdered me with poison! Look it up! I actually didn’t mind. Teapot Dome was blowing up, and my mistress had just birthed a kid of mine. It was about time for ol’ Warren to go. But let me tell you, thank God for Donald Trump because until him I was the worst president in the modern era. I may have been a swamp monster of cronyism and corruption, but I’d never incite an attempted coup against the peaceful transfer of power! What kind of unAmerican, anti-democratic psychopath does a thing like that?”
George H. W. Bush pinches women’s butts with his ghost fingers, then high-fives the Ghost of Gorbachev, and they drink ghost beers together every night and give each other the credit for ending the Cold War everyone else erroneously gives to Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher.
FDR rolls around in his ghost wheelchair telling people “I was wrong! There is much more to fear than fear itself! The afterlife is a purgatory shadow realm of agonizing despair with no relief, rest, or existential catharsis! It’s an eternal underworld hell of metaphysical distress and monotonous lingering in darkness! Why do I suffer now when I suffered so much in life! I had polio!”
Millard Fillmore begs staffers, “Hey, show me some of those OnlyFans videos on your electrified space telegram machine thingy! Daddy likey! I’m so pissed I had to live in the 19th Century! You know how hard it was to see broads naked back then? Now the broads all willingly put nudes out everywhere!”
Thomas Jefferson annoys members of Congress describing in gratuitous detail with his trademark floral language why “Our Creator has advanced our pursuit of happiness giving us a wise and impish character to appreciate the humor of John Adams being our second president because to associate the number two and a big fat deuce that clogs a Virginian outhouse is to invoke the spirit of the Adams administration, and it’s an inalienable fact in our republic’s august history that John Adams is a shit stain upon it.”
Richard Nixon tells people he can’t believe all he had to do was not resign, and just be like Donald Trump by not feeling any shame or remorse for any of his actions while walking all over basic decency and democratic norms, and he apparently could have gotten away with all his crimes.
Teddy Roosevelt claims he did marijuana in Cuba during the Spanish-American War and is the uncredited inventor of jazz music.
Calvin Coolidge does surprisingly clever and profane gangsta rap about juggling hos in the Roaring 20s.
William McKinley, James Garfield, and John Kennedy play in a ghost band together on Thursdays, and jam out to heavy metal songs about assassination.
Gerald Ford floats around whispering to visitors, “I want you to do things to my asshole I’ll have to pardon you for.”
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