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- Mitch McConnell’s family has reportedly asked JD Vance not to come to the hospital to see him, noting how Vance was the last person to talk to Pope Francis.
- Top GOP officials are reportedly terrified Kentucky Democrats will grow a pair and announce, “We’re assuming Mitch McConnell is completely incapacitated, and will now replace him,” to have courts force them to prove he’s not a vegetable or let Beshear replace him.
- Several top Republican senators are reportedly beginning to worry that Donald Trump’s $2 billion in crypto profits this year from pump-&-dumping his own supporters looks “really bad politically.”
- A new poll found that 96% of Americans think someone in the media should have found out whether or not Mitch McConnell was alive by now.
- Mitch McConnell’s doctors say he’s very much alive, but is just shy about making any public appearances because an unexpected side effect from his particular concoction of heart and stroke medications has resulted in having at all times an erect 12-inch penis.
- Bartenders throughout Louisville, KY are slinging a new viral drink they’re calling “The Dead or Alive Turtle” in honor of Mitch McConnell that consists of 2-oz Absinthe, 2-oz Champagne, 1-oz club soda, and a wedge of lime cut to look like a turtle shell.
- Top GOP officials visiting Mitch McConnell reportedly whispered into his comatose ears that if he hung on for one more month he could block the Democratic governor of KY replacing him and screw over the democracy one last time, and then his heart rate stabilized.
- A new poll found that 100% of Americans support news companies “accidentally” publishing the obituaries and articles they have queued under lid discussing Mitch McConnell’s incapacitation and political chicanery to prevent Gov. Andy Beshear from appointing a replacement.
- PERSPECTIVE CHECK for everyone asking how I’d like being made fun of if I was in Mitch McConnell’s position as a vegetable sitting senator: go ahead and throw me in the trash bin, and let the country move on full steam ahead politically without me.
- BREAKING NEWS: Mitch McConnell’s Grindr account is reportedly still “very active.”
- Top GOP officials are reportedly cringing every time they think about how when someone says, “Donald Trump just dumped,” it’s unclear whether the news is that Trump literally shit himself, or if he just grifted his supporters after pumping up another fraudulent crypto scheme.
- Mitch McConnell’s family has reportedly asked Barack Obama to come visit him in the hospital to see if a reminder of McConnell’s unfulfilled dream of making Obama a one-term president could wake him up from his coma.
- Several major prediction markets are no longer offering bets on whether or not Trump’s Iran deals will last because 0% of his 159 deals have lasted.
- Mitch McConnell’s last words before going into a coma were reportedly, “It hurts everywhere,” and “Don’t forget to give all my turtles good homes!”
- Iranian diplomats say they’d still rather be negotiating with Mitch McConnell than Trump.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 