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- After demanding the overrule of the American football player’s red card, Donald Trump reportedly also demanded that FIFA give him a second consecutive FIFA Peace Prize next year so he can have twice as many FIFA Peace Prizes than Obama has Nobel Peace Prizes.
- In a last ditch effort to try and wake up Mitch McConnell from his stroke-induced coma, his doctors reportedly brought in a famous YouTube “Turtle Whisperer” whose videos show him teaching turtles some of the various tricks that dogs often learn.
- National security experts are publicly warning Vladimir Putin that a mass mobilization frivolously throwing away tens of thousands more Russian soldiers monthly into the 30-minute lifespan no man’s land under Ukrainian drones might likely result in a worse revolution than 1917, and his brutalized corpse hanging for days symbolically from a window of the Kremlin to mark the end of his murderous dictatorship regime.
- A reporter asked Mike Johnson at a press conference today, “Should we bother asking you any questions about Trump reigniting his illegal Iran War without any Constitutionally mandatory Congressional deliberation and authorization… or have you not heard about it yet?”
- Trump is reportedly dumping his Qatari plane because Iranian operatives hacked the computer system and made all the TVs continually switch off Fox News and start playing videos of famous Obama speeches.
- Top GOP officials say they’ve compared memories from their “20-minute conversations” with Mitch McConnell, and the striking similarities have them suspecting they all fell for a recording of McConnell talking at some point prior to his stroke and incapacitation.
- Chinese officials are reportedly laughing for “minutes at a time” in all their foreign policy meetings because their biggest superpower rivals are degrading their militaries via Trump helping bog down Russia in Ukraine with CIA support while Russia is helping bog down the US down in Iran with SVR support, which is only interrupted when one Chinese official meekly points out that it’s quite likely the Chinese military is going to bog itself down trying to invade Taiwan.
- Mitch McConnell reportedly keeps waking up and unplugging himself from the medical machinery keeping him alive only for the Kentucky Republicans taking turns watching over him to ensure he stays legally “alive” until the Senate replacement deadline to plug him back in.
- Trump reportedly can’t stop watching World Cup games after seeing how “straight out of Central Casting” the players are and commenting on their hotness.
- In a rare moment of consciousness Mitch McConnell reportedly told his family members not to bother praying for him because he sold his soul to Satan for political power so long ago that Satan actually forgot and let him sell his soul a second time in 2010 for the Tea Party to win the midterms and give him control of the Senate.
- Trump is reportedly asking if Putin and Zelensky can hash out their peace deal before his D.C. arch is finished so he can congratulate it to commemorate his peace deal talents.
- Elon Musk is reportedly worried he’s about to get a lot of bad press now that the cascading effects of all his D.O.G.E. cuts are beginning to kill Americans as well as hundreds of thousands of foreigners.
- Trump-loving actor James Woods just got busted trying to sex-traffic a cop posing as a teen girl to Las Vegas continuing the correlation between strong MAGA sympathies and pedophilia.
- MAGA fans in Idaho have accidentally caused an epidemic of the flesh-eating bacteria “necrotizing fasciitis” after they mimicked Donald Trump’s Reflecting Pool renovation and painted their town’s WW2 memorial pool blue, and it turned into a stagnant, deadly swamp.
- Mitch McConnell reportedly woke up from his stroke-induced coma and announced he was ashamed of his political career and would be officially switching parties as soon as he got out of the hospital, after which a GOP official who was visiting him unplugged all the medical machines keeping him alive and announced, “Okay, Andy Beshear can start the replacement process now.”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 