Stephen Miller Sleeps At The White House Hanging Upside Down From The Ceiling

The South Portico of the White House is decorated in cornstalks, pumpkins and Autumn colors Sunday, Oct. 28, 2018, welcoming guests for the 2018 White House Halloween event. (Official White House Photo by Amy Rossetti)

Washington D.C.

According to a whistleblower on the White House janitorial staff, Executive Presidential Adviser Stephen Miller never leaves the White House.

“It’s the craziest shit I’ve ever seen,” explained the janitor, who has been granted journalistic anonymity according to the protections codified by several whistleblower protection laws. “There I am, mopping the floor, and I look up and I see this emaciated looking bat monster hanging upside down from the rafters, and he starts hissing at me. I started smacking him with my mop, but he started screaming saying he worked there and showing me his security card. Turns out that was Stephen Miller. Looked like Nosferatu to me! I always knew he was a freak getting off to hispanic children being locked in cages and concentration camp capitalists getting rich housing immigrants in animal-like conditions, but I didn’t know he was that freaky. Goddamn. And he was totally naked except, thank God, his genitals were covered by a KKK hood. I never thought I’d ever be relieved to have seen the Klan!”

Stephen Miller has called the Klan hood aspect of the whistleblower’s testimony “fake news.”

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