5:30am — Elon wakes up in a makeshift bed at the Twitter HQ in sheets he hasn’t washed since taking over the company.
5:31am — Elon opens his Twitter app to see if @Catturd2 tweeted anything while he was asleep. Then he checks Stephen King’s page. Then he searches “Elon Musk,” and responds to random verified users with 6 followers for an hour. His most used emoji is the cry-laughing emoji.
6:37am — Elon opens up his Reddit app to start perusing good memes he can steal without giving credit. After finding one, Elon posts it, and then switches through several burner Twitter accounts he maintains commenting iterations of “Elon Musk should do stand-up,” “Elon Musk is the Dave Chapelle of tech bros,” and “Netflix should give Elon Musk an hour-long comedy special.”
6:56am — Elon switches to another burner account and tweets, “As a gay Black Democrat, I totally agree that the liberal Woke mind virus is ruining society.” Then he switches to his real account, and retweets it with “True.”
7:30am — Elon goes to the bathroom and monitors the near translucency of his pale skin while washing his hands. He contemplates various tattoos he could get that would totally own the libs. He writes down “My pronouns are I’m Rich Bitch” into his “Tattoo Ideas” note on his phone.
8:01am — Morning meeting with his “hardcore engineers” who depend on their jobs at Twitter for American visa status, and have no choice but to essentially be Elon Musk’s 24-hour tech slaves if they want to stay in the US:
- Elon tells them he wants them to shadow ban all tweets referencing his father’s emerald mine.
- Elon asks if there’s a way to retroactively change the results of his Twitter poll that proved a majority of Twitter users want him to stop serving as the company’s CEO. Elon asks if it would be believable if he tweeted out that the poll was rigged by employees bitter about him firing 80% of the company, and he actually won the poll significantly.
- Elon looks at the three funny meme ideas he forces each and every Twitter employee to find and print out as “evening homework” to bring in the next morning for Elon to consider tweeting out.
- Elon asks his head of PR if @Catturd2 tweeted anything while they were conducting the meeting.
9:04am — Elon tweets about how his new blue checkmark system has made Twitter a level-playing field, and that’s why freedom of speech is so terrifying for Woke journalists at legacy institutions.
9:06am — Elon gets a call from an Indian government official who wants a tweet critical of the Modi government taken down, so Elon takes it down.
9:10am — Elon retweets a tweet from @HistoryBuff1488 about how Democrats are deranged socialists.
9:11am — Elon sends a memo to his Twitter engineers to shadow-ban any tweet that references how much federal grant money Tesla and SpaceX have each received from the government.
9:15am — Elon ignores a phone call from a Tesla board of directors member.
9:16am — Elon listens to a voicemail from that member of Tesla’s board of directors begging him to stop alienating and attacking liberals with Twitter toxicity, and stop doing childish and juvenile things like changing the Twitter bird logo to the Dogecoin dog.
9:17am — Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to change the profile picture on Tesla’s Twitter account to the Dogecoin dog.
9:19am — Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to make the Dogecoin dog picture go live at 4:20 Pacific time.
9:21am — Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to announce that Tesla will be unveiling a special edition Model Y to be sold for $69,000 on June 9th.
9:22am — Elon goes to the bathroom, and spends 45 minutes sitting on the toilet looking for a meme to steal until his legs go numb. Searches “Musk emerald mine” on Twitter, and is furious to find the tweets have not been successfully shadow-banned yet.
10:07am — Elon decides Twitter is spending too much money on toilet paper while it’s still losing millions of dollars every day, and he thinks up a new rule where every Twitter employee gets only three squares of toilet paper per day. Elon drafts a quick, company-wide memo detailing this new policy, and reminds every employee they all signed pledges to be “hardcore.”
10:10am — Elon sends a second company-wide memo reminding all employees they also signed NDA’s restricting their privilege to discuss internal company policies with the media.
10:16am — Elon wonders briefly if his abandonment-style parenting of his kids is continuing the toxic cycle of bad fathering for which he hated his own dad.
10:26am — Elon searches “Elon Musk” on Twitter, and responds to random verified users with 6 followers for several hours. He finds a few memes he can steal and post later. Forgets to un-like those tweets with memes so it’s obvious who he stole them from.
10:32am — Elon texts the guy he pays to play Diablo 4 all day so that his name can be on the global leaderboard that he wants to film himself beating a boss.
11:27am — After losing to the boss 16 times, Elon finally beats the boss.
11:31am — Elon uploads a video of the global scoreboard that shows him at #19.
11:40am — Elon demands via text that the guy who plays Diablo 4 all day for him to get him into the top 10 on the leaderboard.
11:42am — The guy texts back asking why it’s so important for the richest person in the world, who is CEO of 3 of the biggest companies in America, to be on the leaderboard of a computer game.
11:43am — Elon leaves him on “read.”
12:00pm —Elon starts a 2-hour meeting with the Trump presidential transition team where he is made painfully aware that Donald Trump will be impossible to work with because he changes his mind constantly based on whatever the last thing someone said to him was.
1:27pm — Elon tries to delicately interrupt Trump, who had been ranting about using the Air Force to destroy wind turbines and using the US Navy to kill sharks for the last six minutes.
2:12pm — Elon wanders around Twitter HQ looking for furniture pieces or appliances he could take a picture of himself holding to post with a pun.
2:19pm — Elon writes down in his “Ideas” note in his phone, “Picture of me holding a toaster with burned bread in it with the caption ‘The liberal Woke Hive Mind is toast.’”
2:23pm — Elon retweets a tweet from @SiegHeilFan1933 claiming Elon Musk and Donald Trump are the biggest geniuses in world history.
2:24pm — Elon takes a phone call with a Chinese government official regarding which Chinese Twitter accounts he should censor in exchange for the right to someday build another Tesla manufacturing plant in China.
2:52pm — Elon calls a tech bro buddy, and asks if he has any ideas for another company Elon Musk can buy his way into, fire the founders, get federal grants for funding, and then pretend he started the company and made it successful all with his visionary mind.
3:00pm — Elon conducts his afternoon meeting with his chief Twitter engineers, in which they brainstorm a weekly list of Twitter updates they can push out. Engineers cheer and yell out, “Genius!” when Elon suggests that at 4:20 every day the “like” heart button turns green when you push it instead of the usual red. Elon struggles to think of a way to incorporate a “69” themed joke for 15 minutes.
3:43pm — Elon asks his coders to tell him truthfully what they think about the new blue checkmark policies. After a long silence, one coder asks to confirm if Elon truly wants an honest, constructive opinion. After Elon says yes, the coder suggests that Twitter publicly admits the changes to the verification process have not worked out as intended, and that, because famous and viral users understandably have no interest in paying one of the world’s richest people to create most of the viral content for his increasingly toxic and militantly abrasive social media platform, Twitter will reverse the changes and go back to the old policies that, while not perfect, did both protect high profile users’ brands and identities as well as ensure Twitter was the world’s premier source of legitimate breaking news and professional commentary with minimal but necessary censorship designed to prevent the platform from becoming a swamp of trollish bullying at best and a cesspool of racist genocidal propaganda at worst.
3:45pm — Elon fires that coder.
4:06pm — Elon returns to his nest of dirty sheets, and spends the rest of the night responding to verified users with 6 followers the cry-laughing emoji.
8:53pm — Elon texts Dave Chappelle, “What’s up?”
9:27pm — Elon texts Dave a meme about a trans woman.
10:15pm — Elon texts Dave, “Remember when I said I’M RICH BITCH onstage to all your fans? You should bring me onstage again sometime lol.”
10:19pm — Elon notices his Dave texts are on “read.”
10:47pm — Elon gets a text, “This is Dave Chappelle’s agent. Please remove the blue checkmark from Dave’s Twitter account as soon as possible.”
11:13pm — Elon checks one last time to see what @Catturd2 has tweeted, and sees that @Catturd2 is angry at him because he’s paying the $8 but all the comments under his posts are for porn accounts. Elon sighs, and wonders if he needs to just step back and take himself out of the public spotlight for a while, put his head down and focus, and start letting his actions speak for themselves rather than injecting himself into every topic in the national discussion with a self-destructive impulsiveness driven by the hubris of surrounding himself with yes-men and brown-nosers.
11:16pm — Elon retweets a tweet that says Nancy Pelosi’s husband sucks dick for crack.
11:39 — Elon checks the Diablo 4 leaderboard and is furious to find out he’s still ranked at #19. 🥃
☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!
But first subscribe to my Substack The Halfway Café to get my work right to your inbox.
Check out my Linktree for all my digital branches, but definitely follow The Halfway Post on Twitter or Threads to interrupt your daily political doomscrolling with my Dada News.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I also have two poetry books full of Millennial existentialism, Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
The Halfway Post 