No one both sucks up to Trump and wishes he would stroke out more than perennial presidential candidate Ted Cruz.
Cruz 1,000% wants to be president, and will definitely run in 2028… unless Trump demands we ignore the Constitution and let him have a third term, because when it comes to standing up to Trump I’m sure Cruz will defend the Constitution as hard as he defended his wife from Trump’s vulgar insults.
Today I’m a little burned out on Trump ruining everything with his village idiot tariffs (even Trump is burned out from ruining everything — he’s spending the whole weekend golfing with his Saudi pals so no one can ask him any hard questions, such as “Why is every stock bright red?”) after spending most of yesterday doomscrolling about the damage his one man trade war is doing, and seeing a lot of penguin memes.
But you know who has been sneakily quiet, waiting patiently for his next chance to run for president again? Ted Cruz! And he doesn’t deserve for anyone to forget that he’s every senator’s least favorite colleague. Remember when he shut down the government by himself to protest Obamacare and position himself for a 2016 presidential run? What a turd!
So here’s a flashback to one of my favorite imaginations: the Planet of Cannibal Ted Cruzes:
On the other side of the galaxy there is a planet of Ted Cruzes. The planet has no other plants or animals so the Ted Cruzes have to fight to the death and eat each other every day. And the victorious ones have to asexually birth out new Ted Cruzes out of their anuses to fight and eat the next day.
As you can imagine, passing a Ted Cruz through another Ted Cruz’s sphincter is pretty messy business, and usually the Ted Cruz anuses tear in the birthing process, so usually father Ted Cruzes start bleeding everywhere. This attracts predator Ted Cruzes, who have evolved incredibly impressive olfactory organs capable of smelling blood from up to three miles away.
Because baby Ted Cruzes are at such risk of predators, they must gestate pretty fully in their Ted Cruz fathers’ large intestines so that right at birth they are capable of running away. Ted Cruzes are such douches that even the baby Ted Cruzes are essentially evolved to incapacitate their fathers so that nearby predator Ted Cruzes fill up on the fathers before chasing after the babies. Nature can be so sublimely douchey, can’t it?
I love seeing Ted Cruzes strangle each other, and bite each other’s fingers and ears off. It never gets old. It’s a majestic sight to see whole herds of feral Ted Cruzes gnawing on each other’s bones, and wearing each other’s faces as war masks, and smearing each other’s blood on their bodies as warnings, and sleeping in each other’s hollowed out bodies for warmth at night, and wearing elaborate jewelry pieces of each other’s teeth, and wearing clothes made of each other’s dried out and stretched skin, and decorating the entrances of their cave homes with each other’s skulls.
Millions of Ted Cruzes fight daily free-for-all battles to the death. Ted Cruz body parts and brain matter splatter everywhere, and rivers of Ted Cruz blood flowing for millennia have carved the geography of the planet into massive, red-stained canyon systems.
Different subgroups of Ted Cruzes have evolved to take advantage of various environmental niches, with some Ted Cruzes being ferocious predators favoring the taste of fresh Ted Cruz flesh, while other meek Ted Cruzes — whose eyes adapted to be on the sides of their head like prey to scan the horizon and flee at the first sign of danger — are merely scavengers picking at leftover Ted Cruz carcasses left behind by the bigger predator Ted Cruzes.
There are parasitic Ted Cruzes that latch onto Ted Cruzes and suck their blood, and some Ted Cruzes only eat specific organs, such as the testicles, wasting the rest of the Ted Cruz corpses. One surprisingly social species of Ted Cruz lives in small groups, and sucks each other off dozens of times a day for their nutrients, as well as passionate social bonding. One more peculiar Ted Cruz species only likes to eat Ted Cruz hair, and spends many hours hacking up hairballs and then re-swallowing over and over as their digestive system slowly extracts the nutrients.
Another fascinating subgroup of Ted Cruzes fills the niche dung beetles fill here on Earth, and walk around rolling balls of Ted Cruz dung six feet in diameter taking bites out of them every few meters. Just like there are more species of beetle than any other animal on Earth, there are more species of the dung eating Ted Cruzes than any other type of Ted Cruz.
The most technologically advanced Ted Cruzes have entered the Bone Age, and have learned to make spear and knife weapons out of sharpened Ted Cruz ribs, femurs, tibias, and fibulas. Occasionally, a particularly clever Ted Cruz crafts a primitive trebuchet with bones and rope made of Ted Cruz tendons and ligaments, and collects decapitated Ted Cruz heads to launch at unsuspecting Ted Cruzes from quite a safe distance.
The sublime douchery of it all would bring a tear to your eye if only you could visit the Planet of Cannibal Ted Cruzes. 🥃
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The Halfway Post 
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